The Incredibly Dense Mind of Lois Lane
by nonjon
Summary: COMPLETE. It's a few years post Smallville. Lois Lane and Clark Kent are both reporters at the Daily Planet, often covering the exploits of Superman. Clark decides it's time for Lois to know his secret. He just thinks telling her would be too easy.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: My first foray completely away from the JKR__'__s Potterverse. This will just be a humorous little romp. Maybe ten chapters, twenty thousand words or so. I'm going to follow most of Smallville canon (though I'm not an expert on it having only seen probably eighty percent of the episodes). This is taking place a few years in the future where Clark and Lois are partners at the Daily Planet and Superman has been around for a little while. Any and all comments are greatly appreciated, and any questions I will do my best to answer.  
_

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**CHAPTER ONE**

"You want another beer?" Pete asked from the mini-fridge in his private little basement den.

"You want to waste another on me?" Clark retorted back, slouching in the recliner that had practically molded to his body.

Pete handed Clark a beer. "Well Esmeralda says I can't drink alone, because it sets a bad example for the kids. So yes, I'll waste another on you if that's what it takes for me to enjoy a guilt-free beer."

"You know she's right," Clark began to lecture. "You really should be setting a better exa-"

"Farm boy," Pete interrupted. "Do I gotta go dig out my kryptonite or can you keep the sermon in your pants?"

"Sorry," Clark conceded slightly shamed. "I can't help myself sometimes."

"Don't sweat it," Pete waved him off and saw how antsy Clark was acting. Pete sighed and accepted his fate. "It hasn't been an hour yet, but you look like Mikey when he needs to pee, and I don't want you setting fire to the drapes again, so go ahead. Let it out."

And just like that, the dam burst. "She's driving me crazy!" Clark insisted. "All she does is flirt and tease and then make fun of me! It's getting worse!"

Pete rolled his eyes and quietly allowed Clark to vent.

"She leaves the top two buttons of her blouse undone, just so that she can think that she caught me looking when I'm not even really looking, well I mean not that much," Clark wailed. "And I don't even need to! With X-ray vision I could peep any time I wanted to, but it's simply the natural tendency of lines and vision if you draw someone's eyes somewhere then more than likely they're going to look there. It's so infuriating." Clark huffed and drank his beer.

Pete raised a curious eyebrow. "Is that all-"

Clark didn't even let Pete finish before he got going again. "We're working together all the time. She'll be open and honest, and just as I'm about to ask her out, she preemptively says no, before I ever ask. And she just keeps this smug smirk on her annoyingly cute face because she knows… Incoming."

Clark shut up and acted cool, calm, and collected just as Pete's wife Esmeralda came down the stairs into the basement. She was carrying a basket of laundry and looked at Clark in surprise. "Clark! I never heard you come in."

Clark just smiled his trademarked innocent farm boy smile and explained. "I didn't want to wake Mikey or Melissa."

"Please. Those two sleep like logs," Esmeralda retorted as she loaded the washer with clothes. "Just like their father. You two want something to eat? I could reheat some lasagna."

"Esmeralda," Pete whined drawing out her name.

"No thanks, Esmeralda," Clark smiled at Pete's pitiful moan. "I already ate. But I appreciate the offer."

"You give me a shout, if you need anything Clark," Esmeralda said with a warm smile. "I'll leave you little boys to your little boys' time."

"Thanks sweetie," Pete said shooing his wife away. "Don't wait up for me."

"Clark, remind my husband to put that load in the dryer, please," Esmeralda called out as she walked back up the stairs.

"You can count on me," Clark assured her.

"Suck-up," Pete mumbled and waited in silence.

Once the door was shut and she'd started walking to the kitchen, Clark turned to Pete. "Your little boys' time?"

Pete shrugged. "You spend your life married to a wonderful, beautiful woman and you'll need your little boys' time too. Besides, I need you to talk openly and honestly, so that I can live vicariously through you and your double life."

"I've told you, if you trust her, you can tell her," Clark reminded. "Come to think of it, why isn't she more suspicious?"

Pete avoided Clark's eyes. "Hmm?"

"Won't she notice the distinct lack of car for me in your driveway?"

"I uhh…" Pete grinned sheepishly. "I wouldn't worry about that."

"Did you tell her?" Clark asked seriously. "I'd like to know if she knows."

"I didn't exactly tell her," Pete admitted. "She may have kind of… guessed."

"Pete?"

"Okay, I told her." Pete said sipping his beer. "It's pretty obvious when I call you and the commute from Metropolis takes closer to ten seconds than the four hours it should be. Unless you think anyone actually believes you always just happen to be in the area."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Listen," Pete said seriously. "You can't tell her that you know that she knows, okay?"

"What?" Clark said with a frown.

"Get over yourself, Clark," Pete said with a roll of his eyes. "She accepts it, she thinks it cool, she's proud of you, in awe of you, giggles at how normal you act, the usual. Don't go making up issues for your therapist."

"But she knows…"

"Yes, she knows," Pete retorted. "But only because I told her. And I told her that I wasn't allowed to tell her, so she has to act like she doesn't know and keep it all a secret so that I don't get in trouble with you."

"I don't mind though."

"But I do!" Pete snapped. "Since she doesn't know that you know that she knows about your little secret that means I get all the privacy in the world for our little boys' time because she can't stumble across your little secret that she already knows about."

"You're freaking me out, Pete."

"Just act like she doesn't know, okay? Okay," Pete asked rhetorically. He looked for a change of subject. "You wanna shoot some pool?"

"Yeah," Clark said before tilting his head and jumping to his feet. "Rack 'em up. Duty calls. Shouldn't take too long."

Pete didn't even flinch as Clark disappeared with a _fwoosh_ sound, leaving behind a pile of clothes in his wake. Pete calmly racked the billiard balls on his table and began to chalk the tip of his cue.

Another _fwoosh_ and Clark was standing behind him in his tights. "Oh so you get to break? I don't even get a choice in this?"

Pete stepped back. "You can break. Just… don't be thinking about Lois unless you're planning to do some more drywall down here."

"I _will_ break," Clark insisted as he grabbed and chalked his own cue stick.

"Can you put a shirt on?" Pete pleaded. "You look ridiculous."

Clark pulled his loose fit clothes over his costume but only buttoned the shirt up halfway.

Pete waited until right when Clark was striking the cue ball and asked, "Crisis averted?"

Clark misfired barely shifting the rack as he scratched on the break yet again. Clark huffed and got up letting Pete take his turn. "Such a bad example for the kids."

"Preach on, Kent," Pete said as he lined up and pocketed his first shot. "It just goes in one ear and out the other."

Clark grinned, and waited until Pete was shooting when he blew out of the corner of his mouth ever-so-slightly, but enough to shift Pete's shot off line.

"I saw that!"

"Saw what?" Clark asked, looking innocent.

Pete reached out and grabbed the cue ball. "Cold, Kent. The cue ball is cold. Care to explain that?"

"We're in a dank, chilly basement," Clark argued. "And I'm not sure I like the insinuation." Clark grinned and lined up his first shot, pocketing it cleanly. "Yes, crisis averted. Just a little train derailing. No one was hurt, but a few kids were really scared."

Clark's next shot missed wide and he wondered if Pete bumped the table when he wasn't looking.

Pete's turn was next. "So is this how it's gonna be?" He lined up and sank the next ball. "Sunday nights, for the rest of our lives, I just get to hear you moan and whine about the lovely and intrepid Miss Lois Lane?"

"Well," Clark shrugged and considered the accuracy of that summarization. Thinking about the upcoming changes in their lives he suggested, "Football season is only a month away."

Pete missed his next shot, and felt the cue ball again. He was disappointed to see it didn't feel cold. He briefly considered if Clark could have blown it off course and warmed it back up with heat vision. "That's not what I'm talking about, Clark."

Clark lined up his next shot and missed it horribly. He rolled his eyes at how bad that one was. "I already agreed not to talk about her for the first hour any time I'm here."

"Clark," Pete continued. "You got it real bad for Lois. And Lois likes you. You two bicker enough to make George and Martha look like Ozzie and Harriet. She's just hung up with a crush on your larger than life alter-ego. And you're wasting your time whining and complaining, when you know there's an easy solution to all of this."

"It's not that simple."

"Yeah, it is."

"But I want her to want me, not Superman, _me_."

"Clark," Pete sighed. "I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you _are_ Superman."

Clark just gave Pete an annoyed look.

"You're sitting there on your precious little higher ground thinking Clark Kent is who you really are, and Superman is the costume you wear, when that ain't true at all."

"You think I like wearing tights?" Clark scoffed.

"Yeah I do," Pete offhandedly remarked. "But again, save that conversation for your therapist. Superman is who you are just as much as Clark Kent. Actually, Superman is more who you are than Clark Kent, the so-called perfectly normal human. And finding a girl who likes Clark, doesn't necessarily mean she's gonna understand the alien-from-outer-space side of you."

"I know," Clark grumbled. "It's just…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Pete nodded. "You don't want to tell anyone until you're sure because it's too dangerous. But honestly, this is Lois. And you. Not even you can be this blind."

"Yes I can!" Clark argued as he missed his shot. "I can… I'll be right back. Don't cheat!"

Pete looked up just in time to see a blur where Clark was standing and a pile of clothes left on the floor. Pete sank his first shot and then missed his second. He sipped his beer a bit and decided to take another shot. He sank the ball in the corner and lined up his next, when there was another _fwoosh_.

"You cheated!" Clark argued with a grin.

"I just sank the 11 in the corner. Check it if you don't believe me."

"Yeah but you missed the shot before it."

"Why would you accuse me so fallaciously of something like that?" Pete looked at him curiously, admitting nothing.

"Super-hearing Mr. Ross," Clark said tapping his ear. "You sank your first shot then missed your second."

Pete frowned and grumbled, "You need to focus on your superheroing when you're superheroing," Pete argued feebly, wagging his finger. "People could get hurt with your misplaced priorities."

Clark thinned his lips, knowing there was a grain of truth in Pete's words. "You still cheated. And that was just a plane that lost power. I set them down before they crashed."

"Fine," Pete conceded. "Take your turn, you two-bit hero."

Clark grinned and lined up his shot.

"Does Lois still wear that red polka dot bikini?" Pete innocently asked just as Clark shot.

A slip of concentration sent the cue ball flying into the opposite wall.

Clark sighed at the sight of a new hole but grateful it hadn't gone all the way through and into the yard or worse, the neighbor's Cadillac. "Where's the spackle?"

Pete chuckled and said. "You can get it next time. I'll just hang a poster up for now."

"That really is a great bikini," Clark admitted pulling the cue ball out of the wall.

"You've got to tell her," Pete argued, lining up and missing yet again.

"I can't," Clark said tiredly. "I just can't."

"And the vicious cycle continues."

Clark was hunched over the table thinking deeply. This was a pretty common conversation between Clark and Pete, and even Clark was beginning to tire of it. He was trying to imagine how Lois would react if he ever told her and he realized that her temper was more than likely going to overpower any other response she might have. He was trying to think of how to tell her when suddenly he had an epiphany. "I've got it."

"You're gonna tell her?"

"Nope," Clark said with a grin.

"What are you thinking?" Pete asked curiously.

"This is Lois Lane, investigative reporter," Clark began with a smug grin.

"And this is Clark Kent, Superman and super emotional midget," Pete pointed out with a smirk.

"Shush," Clark grumbled before explaining the details of his genius plan. "I was thinking it would be better, if rather than tell her, we were to let her figure it out."

Pete gave him a look of disbelief. "She's had a couple years working on that puzzle. I'm not so sure she's the most observant person in the world. Heck, when she's alone in a room, I'm not even convinced she's the most observant person in the room."

"That's because we keep hiding the truth from her," Clark said deviously. "I'm saying perhaps I should drop her a few more subtle hints and clues, and let her piece it all together."

Pete chuckled at the dangerous smile on Clark's face. He knew Clark was a man of many talents, but he doubted subtlety would ever make that list. "This should be fun."

"Can't be worse than our pool match," Clark commented noticing they were only halfway through the first game. "We still suck." Clark was trying to come up with some other recreational activities he could do with Pete, when his musings were interrupted.

"Don't even think about it, Kent," Pete grumbled as he lined his next shot. "I don't care how many beers you trick me into drinking. We're not arm wrestling again."


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: Thanks for all the kind comments. I do appreciate knowing you liked the chapter enough to leave a review. If you feel like you have nothing to say, I always like to hear what your favorite line was or if one in particular made you laugh. Feel free to ask questions. Thanks.__  
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**CHAPTER TWO**

Chloe and Lois arrived at the restaurant at the same time. The cousins' careers began to take off at the same time and that meant they were losing control over their schedules. They always felt bad they couldn't see each other more often and made a habit of at least weekly lunches together. Every once in a while they even invited Clark to join them. Today was one of those days.

"Where do you think he is?" Lois commented. "I passed a sale on flannel on the way. You don't think he's fallen off the wagon again, do you?"

Chloe rolled her eyes suspecting it was more likely that some lives were being saved or international disasters were being averted. "Let me check my messages."

"He's my partner," Lois complained protectively. "Why would he leave you messages and not me?"

"If you're his partner, then why don't you know where he is?" Chloe said as her voicemail picked up. "Besides you frighten him."

Lois seemed to take a little pride in that thought. "He's always disappearing-"

"Shh," Chloe hushed and lifted her finger, stopping her cousin, so that she could focus on the message she'd received. It was from a man she cared dearly for but never got to see often enough, Pete Ross.

"_Chloe, you're not gonna believe this. Golden Boy has seen the light! He's decided it's time for Lois to know!_"

Chloe's eyes were wide as she looked over at her cousin surreptitiously.

"_But get this. Clark doesn't want to tell her. He wants her to figure it out. So he's going to try and subtly give her hints. Clark! And subtle! Do you see where this is going? Call me when you get a chance. This can only end well. For us, I mean._"

Chloe couldn't contain her snort, and Lois turned giving her an inquiring look.

"Farm boy come up with an excuse for ditching us?"

Chloe shook her head hanging up her cell phone. "No sorry. Pete Ross just left me a funny message."

"What'd he say?" Lois asked with a grin.

Chloe looked for Clark briefly and needed an out. "You know what? I think I'm going to give Pete a call right now."

Lois rolled her eyes but didn't object any. She was content to sit back and imagine a dreamy Superman coming to save her once again and whisk her off for other super things.

"Shoot!" Chloe cursed. "Pete moved into a bigger building and I don't know his new work number."

"Call information," Lois suggested. "If it's registered, they'll have it."

Chloe agreed and called them up. When prompted for which city, Chloe answered, "Wichita." She listened patiently and answered, "Yeah, can I get the new number for Pete's Garage?" Chloe chewed on her lip wondering what was taking Clark so long. "Yeah they just moved and added a new line, I need the new one. Yes, please." Chloe answered after writing down the new number. "Pete!" Chloe cheered when she connected through. "How are you?"

"Chloe?" Pete responded, happy to take a small break. "You got my message?"

"Yeah, I did. I'm finding it hard to believe," Chloe chuckled.

Pete flinched as there was a small windstorm in his office blowing his paperwork all around. "Clark! Clark, stop it! Stop it now!" Pete yelled. "Chloe I gotta-"

Chloe was listening in and could hear the frustration in her friend's voice.

"Oh is that Chloe?" Clark asked happily.

"Yes, now will you please-"

"You got time for lunch?"

"I want to catch up with Chlo-"

Clark put his hand on the base ending the phone call for Pete with a _click_. "Well come on then, you can talk to her in person."

Pete saw Clark looked pretty happy and was serious. "You're gonna give me a lift back after lunch though, right?" Pete clarified putting the phone back.

"Yup," Clark said, changing into his tights. He grabbed a hold of Pete and made him carry Clark's clothes. "Scream if you want to. I don't mind." Clark said with a wink as they took off to the sky with a sonic boom.

Chloe heard her line go dead as she had apparently been hung up on.

"Pete's Garage?" Lois commented seeing her cousin's phone call had ended abruptly. "Not the most original of names."

"He got a degree in mechatronic engineering not creative writing," Chloe explained. "And all the mindless consumers with their computerized SUVs wouldn't understand it, if he called it anything else."

"Smallville helped him name it, didn't he?" Lois asked.

Chloe nodded in resignation. "Clark gave Pete the first sign when he started up his own business."

"Can we give up on him showing, now?" Lois commented. "I'm so hungry I could eat a donkey."

"Give up on who?" Clark said with a grin as he arrived at their table with his friend following close behind.

"Pete!" Chloe cheered pushing Clark to the side as she gave her old high school friend a hug.

"Hey Chloe," Pete grinned and hugged her back. "You know, Lane, with that kind of appetite you could make a lot of money in Mexico."

"What?" Lois asked in confusion.

"Never mind," Pete replied, grinning when he saw Clark was just as confused. Pete turned to Chloe. "How you been?"

"Scoot over," Clark said forcing his way onto Lois's side of the booth.

"I've been good," Chloe answered making room on her side for Pete. "Real good. Your message though. Wow!"

"I know!" Pete grinned.

"Hang on," Lois interrupted, pointing an accusatory finger. "Weren't you in Wichita a second ago?"

Pete plastered an all too innocent look on his face. "Who? Me?"

"What'd you do?" Lois asked looking at him curiously. "Hitch a ride on the Superman express?"

Pete turned to Chloe and Clark. "Umm…"

"Oh I got it," Lois suddenly realized. "You had your calls forwarded to your cell. Whoo, sorry. Brain fart."

"That does make sense," Clark agreed tapping his chin in thought.

Pete nodded sheepishly. "I guess that I must have had my calls forwarded." Pete turned to Chloe and began patting her on the back when she appeared to be choking on her water. "You okay there?"

"Sorry," Chloe admitted through some painful snickers. "Went down the wrong pipe."

"I always knew you had a drinking problem," Lois said shaking her head at her cousin.

Pete and Chloe kept whispering things to each other and chuckling at private jokes throughout the lunch. Clark could hear them just fine, but could tell Lois was getting annoyed.

"Excuse me waiter," Pete made a face, setting his glass down. "Could I get some more ice? My water's warm."

The waiter refilled it, and again within two minutes Pete's ice had melted and his water was warm again.

"That's so weird," Lois commented. "My ice hasn't even melted yet."

"Mine neither," Clark added with a grin.

Pete finally caught on to someone's abuse of heat vision while Chloe was holding back more giggles. "Clark…" he began dangerously.

"Excuse me a second," Clark said getting up. "I need to use the little boys' room."

As soon as Lois thought he was out of earshot, she shook her head. "I swear that man has the bladder of a pregnant woman. He's running off to the bathroom probably two dozen times a day."

In the blink of an eye Superman had appeared right in front of their table in the crowded restaurant. Lois looked up in shock, and was slightly confused when both Pete and Chloe slapped their hands over their mouths to keep from saying anything inappropriate.

"Excuse me, Miss Lane," Superman said looking both ways and ignoring the stares he was garnering. "I heard you were investigating the disappearances in Suicide Slums?"

"Umm… yes," Lois answered feeling a bit flustered and fighting a blush. She paused and looked up angrily. "Wait a second. That was a private conversation between Clark and me only! How'd you hear about that?"

Superman glanced briefly at the other two highly amused people at the table before tapping his ear and answering, "Super-hearing, remember?"

"Oh right," Lois admitted in embarrassment. "Hang on. Were you spying on me?"

"What?" Superman yelped hoping no one noticed the hitch in his voice. "No, no I would never… Umm… I gotta go."

"Wait," Lois asked turning towards Superman. He had already zipped away at super speeds as she feebly finished, "Were you spying on Clark then?"

Chloe couldn't take and cracked up into her napkin.

Pete had a dead serious expression on his face. "You know I bet he was spying on Clark."

Clark walked back up to the table with a smile. "So what'd I miss?"

Lois was once again exasperated by Clark's ridiculous timing and jumped right in. "You just missed-"

"Hang on," Clark said making a show of patting his pockets. "I left my comb in the wash room." He turned and went back in.

Superman suddenly reappeared at their table again, just as Chloe had started to get a hold of herself, sending her into another coughing fit.

"Just be careful, Lois," Superman added when he saw her looking at him strangely. "Oh and try the tiramisu. It's delicious." Super speed engaged and the Man of Steel disappeared once more.

Clark came back from the restroom with his comb in hand. "Found it. Man I'm craving some tiramisu," Clark said settling himself down. "So what were you saying Lois?"

Lois looked at Pete and then back at Clark suspiciously. "Did you know Superman is spying on you?"

"Superman?" Clark said chuckling weakly. "Why would he spy on me?"

Pete had a grim look on his face and stared right at Clark. "You know why he would."

"I do?" Clark asked worriedly.

"He does?" Chloe repeated, wondering what Pete was up to.

Pete nodded. "He's worried you might fall back into your old habits."

"My old habits?" Clark asked not liking the direction of this discussion.

"What old habits?" Lois inquired noticing Clark's discomfort, thinking this had to be good.

"Are you going to tell them, or do I have to?" Pete asked, keeping up his solemn expression.

"I think I'd need to know what you were talking about to answer that," Clark warily replied, glancing at Lois' extremely eager face.

Pete kept staring at Clark like he was scolding him. "Clark, well, when Clark gets angry, he…"

"What?" Lois asked trying to imagine what Clark would do when he was angry besides brood. She chanced a glance at Clark and saw he looked fearful of some bitter truth.

Pete shrugged and forlornly explained, "He stalks and hunts down homeless people and beats them up."

"I what?"

"You what?"

"Smallville, that's horrible!" Lois scolded.

"I don't!"

"Clark figures no one cares about them so no one will notice." Pete shrugged. "I mean it is true and all, but still. That's just cold, Kent."

"That's ridiculous!" Clark insisted. "No one would honestly believe that."

"Really?" Pete continued. "If it's not because you like smacking around hobos and bums, then you tell me. Why would Superman be spying on you, _Clark_?"

"What are you… I mean… I don't…" Clark was at a loss.

Pete just grinned as he took a big drink. "Man this ice water is cool and refreshing."

Clark shut up, figuring he may have somehow deserved this. Although being known for beating up the homeless, seemed a bit unfair compared to lukewarm water with lunch.

"I'm so disappointed in you," Lois said shaking her head.

Clark turned to plead his case when he saw the amused glint in Lois' eye. He sighed and realized he'd been had.

"The dangerous and psychotic Clark Kent," Chloe stated with a smile, "the scourge of the poor, unfortunate, and downtrodden everywhere."

"Ha ha ha," Clark mockingly laughed. "You know this is how rumors get started. I might as well start my own rumors. I got one for you: I'm Superman."

Chloe and Lois both burst out laughing for entirely different reasons.

Pete whispered to Chloe, "And this is _subtle_."

"Stop it," Chloe was crying into her napkin by now. "You guys really need to stop or I'm gonna pee myself."

Lois thought Chloe was laughing a bit harder than warranted and honestly asked, "Am I missing something?"


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: I can just imagine the shouts of blasphemy coming because I'm using a "Marvel" based superhero (though based more off the movies than comics). I too was reluctant to use him, but for the purposes of the bunnies in this fic, he fit best. Had a big discussion with an excellent alpha who kept trying to convince me otherwise but I decided it was worth it. So forgive me. Thanks for the reviews and keep them coming.__  
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* * *

**CHAPTER THREE**

"Kent! Lane! Olsen! Get in here!" Perry white called sticking his head out the office door.

The three people in question all hurried to see what had the Editor-in-Chief in such a snit.

"You hear that Lois," Clark smugly pointed out. "Kent first and then Lane."

"Stuff it Smallville," Lois snapped back. "It was alphabetical, plain and simple."

"Whatever lets you sleep easier, Lois," Clark said with a grin.

"Yes Clark," Lois said with a roll of her eyes. "Coming before you is what it takes to get me to sleep."

"Lane!" Perry snapped. "When you walk through that door, you need to leave the discussions of your sex life on the other side."

Lois was fighting a blush at Perry's blunt twisting of her words and slightly grateful that the other men in the room looked confused.

"Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen," Perry said pointing at the three people in question. "I'd like you all to meet Peter Parker."

"How do you do?" Clark said reaching out to shake Peter's hand.

"Hello," Peter greeted back, noting Clark had a excessively firm handshake.

"Peter's done a lot of freelance work snapping for the Bugle in NYC," Perry explained. "And right now, I got two stories we need covered, and both need pictures. The first one is LuthorCorp is unveiling some giant military robot, over next to the radioactive waste treatment plant."

"I'll do it!" Clark blurted out immediately, a mere split second before Peter echoed his words.

"Alright," Perry looked at the two over-eager geeks warily. "Kent, Parker, the press conference begins at 1:30."

"Lane, Olsen, you two are covering the Sweet Little Old Ladies, who make and sell the Sweet Little Old Lady Cookies for charity."

"What?" Lois whined. "Little Old Ladies? Oh come on, Chief. Let me cover the giant robot."

"Now, Lois, I called dibs fair and square," Clark insisted pushing his glasses back up his nose.

Perry ignored them both and continued. "They're about to sell their one millionth box of cookies, and they're expecting you for an interview at 1:30. Now all of you, shoo!"

Peter, Clark, and Jimmy all turned to leave the office, while Lois stuck behind and asked, "Hey Chief, why do you say Kent first?"

"You wanna know why?" Perry said leaning forward conspiratorially.

Lois smiled and leaned forward.

"Because he doesn't ask me why I say Kent first," Perry grinned. "Now you go dig up some dirt on those Little Old Ladies."

Lois rolled her eyes at the assignment. "I'm sure those Little Old Ladies are nothing but trouble."

* * *

Peter Parker and Clark Kent were walking around waiting for the press conference to start. They were making small talk while keeping their eyes open for danger. Both men knew giant military robot unveilings never went as planned. The fact that they weren't even a hundred yards from a radioactive waste treatment plant was not to be overlooked either. 

Both men were pleased to hear that the other wanted to just hide out near the back where they could leave quickly if they needed to.

The Lieutenant Colonel was saying a few words of introduction while the tarp covering the giant robot was being removed.

Suddenly, Peter's senses picked up on the shift in the air. Clark noticed and looked towards the stage. The robot was beginning to twitch and move oddly.

"Oh dear," the Lieutenant Colonel admitted blandly. "That's not supposed to happen."

Clark turned to Peter and broke out his usual excuse. "I've err… gotta go to the bathroom."

Peter saw his opening and went for the same out. "Well I've got galloping diarrhea."

Clark looked at Peter oddly and turned to leave. "I'm going to use the bathroom this way."

Peter smiled happily and nodded, "I'm going to use the one the other way."

Clark gave Peter one last curious glance and power-walked to the bathroom, careful not to use super-speed in front of the strange photographer.

Peter had fewer reservations than Clark and was all-out sprinting towards the other bathroom, completely missing the sign on the door stating _Women_.

The giant robot had bent over twitching oddly as its back half was shaking vigorously.

The crowds were watching in tepid amusement when suddenly Superman came flying in from the left side, fist first straight into the head of the giant robot. At the exact same time, Spiderman came web-slinging by, smashing fist first from the right side.

The two superheroes' fists collided in the middle and the giant robot's head popped off with a loud crack.

"Yeow!" Spiderman called out as his hand was smarting in pain. He looked over at the flying man in blue. "Not so hard."

"Sorry about that," Superman commented, making sure the head landed safely away from the press conference.

Spiderman saw the crowds weren't shrieking in fear but just staring at the two heroes in confusion.

"Spiderman?" Superman asked in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"Just thought maybe the giant robot…" Spiderman paused. He leaned closer and whispered, "Clark?"

Superman landed on the other shoulder of the headless robot, and saw everyone was looking up at the two superheroes. When he heard his name, he snapped his head back to stare at Spiderman. He thought he recognized that voice and focused with his X-ray vision. "Peter?"

Spiderman saw everyone watching them and whispered, "Maybe now's not the best time for this discussion."

Superman nodded and turned to the crowd. He addressed them loudly, "It's okay. You'll be fine now."

"Superman," the Lieutenant Colonel said with a sigh. "That was just a little joke our programmers had staged. The robot was dancing. It wasn't malfunctioning."

"Are you sure?" Spiderman asked dubiously.

The Lieutenant Colonel huffed in irritation and jerked his thumb towards Spiderman while keeping his eyes on Superman. "And what's with the sidekick?"

"My uhhh…sidekick," Superman quickly argued, ignoring Spiderman's indignant cry. "He informed me his spider-sense was tingling, and that the robot was just moments away from setting its final evil plans into evil motion, no doubt, killing you all."

"Really?" Spiderman whispered.

Superman snapped a glare at him and whispered, "Can you afford to pay for a giant robot?"

Spiderman looked towards the crowds and bellowed, "Yup evil plans." He motioned towards his head wiggling his fingers. "Tingle tingle."

"If you say so," the Lieutenant Colonel said, knowing the military couldn't really enforce their 'you break it, you buy it' policy on someone like Superman.

"Good day, everyone!" Superman called out and flew off into the sky. He felt a web smack into his back and realized Spiderman was hitching a ride. He zoomed off, feeling Spiderman yelp as he struggled to hang on at supersonic speeds. He spun around and grabbed a hold of the other superhero and zoomed back into the bathroom carrying him.

Thankfully the bathroom was still empty, as neither superhero wanted to try to explain how their entrance must have appeared to others what with the tights and the carrying.

Clark dug out the change of clothes he'd left behind while Peter did the same with his hidden webbed fanny pack.

Peter was jealous at how quick Clark could change, but heard him mumbling to himself.

"One fricking hour after meeting me, and he figures it out," Clark grumbled. "Five years of crappy excuses and she has no clue."

Peter finished getting dressed and asked, "Girl problems?"

"One in particular. And I'm beginning to think she's an idiot!"

"Oh," Peter said knowingly. "You're in love."

"What?" Clark asked. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Probably nothing," Peter said. "Come on, I need to get some pictures of the headless robot. I didn't have time to set up a camera and get any action shots."

"That's why you always have the best photos of Spiderman," Clark said in dawning comprehension.

"And that's why your partner always gets to interview Superman," Peter replied, cutting off any discussion on journalistic ethics. He had a hunch and asked, "She's the idiot?"

Clark nodded and the pair walked out of the bathroom together. Peter got a dozen or so shots while Clark had been using his super-hearing ever since he flew away with Spiderman. Satisfied they had enough for their story the pair drove to a diner, so they could chat privately in a back booth.

"So, wow," Clark grinned at the irony of their situations. "You're pretending to be an even bigger dork than I am."

"Yeah," Peter chuckled before pausing. "Wait, what do you mean _pretending_?"

Clark stammered. "Did I say pretending? I meant relenting. You know trying really hard and all." Clark just smiled weakly in unspoken apology.

"So, wow, secretly in love with your partner, huh?" Peter asked happily.

Clark shook his head. "She knows very well how much I care for her."

"But she doesn't know about…?"

Clark glanced around the diner using his X-ray vision to ensure there wasn't anyone hiding nearby or bugs around. "See, the thing is I've decided I _want_ her to know. But I don't want to tell her. I mean she loves unraveling mysteries and stuff, it kinda comes with the territory of being an investigative reporter. So for the past few days now I've been trying to nudge her in the right direction and allow her to figure it out on her own."

"And that's why you're beginning to think she's an idiot," Peter connected. "I get it."

"You're married, right?" Clark asked as soon as the waitress left having delivered their fries.

Peter nodded with a big smile. "Almost two years now."

"She knows about your tights fetish?"

"We never really dated until after she did," Peter answered. "It was kinda what kept us apart. I should have told her sooner."

"So you did tell her?" Clark asked, wanting details.

Peter frowned and said. "Not exactly. One of the times I saved her, Doctor Octavius was attempting an unstable chemical reaction that was going to-"

"Yada, yada, yada," Clark interrupted. "Saved the world, everyone would have died, yada yada yada. Now get to the good stuff."

Peter looked at Clark oddly and explained, "One of the explosions blew my mask off or melted it, I'm not sure. But once MJ saw my face, I figured denying it wouldn't do much good."

"Nuts," Clark said with a sigh. "I don't even wear a mask."

"You do wear glasses," Peter pointed out. "Though that really doesn't seem like it'd matter that much."

"I know!" Clark insisted. "You'd think it wouldn't be this hard." He exhaled tiredly while his mind was concocting a plan. "But you make a good point. I'm beginning to get an idea."

"You're going to tell her?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Of course not," Clark answered surprised it even had been asked. He mentally filed away his latest plan and continued, "But anyways, about that sidekick thing. I meant no offense. I just didn't want to take the time to explain anything."

"Don't worry about it," Peter waved him off. "For my ego's sake, I've convinced myself it's only because Metropolis is your turf and I'm the tourist."

"The girlish scream when our punches connected might warrant some of the blame too."

Peter forcefully grabbed a couple fries. "Thank you for reminding me of that."

Clark considered what he knew about Spiderman and what he'd learned so far about Peter. "Are you going to be in town a couple more days?"

Peter nodded. "I'm guest lecturing at Met. U. on Monday."

"You want to come to a poker game?" Clark asked. "The kind you can bring your _special_ laundry to?"

Peter paled not really understanding what Clark was talking about, but only imagining scenarios that put his virtue at risk.

"That probably didn't come out right," Clark corrected when he saw Peter wince. "What I mean is, now that I know your secret, you can come relax with some other guys who have similar secrets. I won't tell them your secret, but they will know you have one."

"Oh I get it," Peter nodded in comprehension. "Instead of betting money, you bet…"

"Chores," Clark answered. "Cleaning suits, patching rips, maybe filling in patrols, occasionally we'll bet sidekick duties for humiliation purposes. It just gives us a little time to relax."

Peter smiled. "Yeah, I think I might like that."

"A couple of the more cautious regulars will probably check out your real name and decide if they're gonna show up or not." Clark paused and tilted his head to the side. His super-hearing was picking up on something in the distance.

"Sounds fair enough," Peter answered when it seemed Clark had finished talking.

Clark raised a hand to stop Peter from talking as he focused in on what he thought he was hearing. After another few seconds of silence, Clark jumped up from his seat and left some money on the table for his bill. "I've gotta go, Peter," Clark apologized.

"Something I could help with?" Peter offered.

Clark shook his head. "Thanks for the offer, but I think I can handle this. It's just Lois. I don't even want to know how she managed to get herself into trouble meeting with Little Old Ladies."

"Alright," Peter agreed and before he could finish, Clark disappeared in a gust of wind. "See you later," Peter finished lamely into the empty air. "Show-off."

"Super-hearing!" echoed loudly in the distance.

"Crap."


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

"I didn't need you to save me!"

"You were unconscious."

"So?"

"You'd been thrown out of an airplane at 30,000 feet."

"I know."

"You were on fire."

"Just a little."

"Ballistic missiles were converging on your location."

"Plenty of time for a launch code override."

"You were going to land in a pit of rusted spikes, broken glass, and flesh-eating bacteria."

"I could've missed the pit."

"And poisonous snakes."

Lois paused as her eyes widened and she took a step further away from the pit. "There are snakes?"

Superman rolled his eyes while Lois insisted she could get out of the ropes that were still tied around her waist. "Well then allow me to apologize for not thinking you had a hold of the situation."

"You're as bad as Clark. Always thinking I need to be saved." Lois grumbled quietly, struggling with a really tight double-knot. She glanced up and saw how hurt Superman looked. She quickly tried to correct herself. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, Superman. No one's as bad as Clark."

Superman gave up on waiting for Lois and used a blast of heat vision to vaporize the knot, allowing the ropes to fall to the ground. "Come on. I'll take you home."

Lois figured her cell phone and purse were a loss. She wrapped her arms around Superman's neck as he held her tightly and flew up into the air. She noticed he wasn't looking at her and was holding her a little less warmly than usual. She could sense his disappointment. "You know I'd never really compare you to Clark, right? I mean he's such a predictable mama's boy. And he's so annoying."

Superman started flying faster and Lois thought she was onto something. "He's probably the most naive slightly intelligent person you'll ever meet. And he's like a mother hen the way he treats me." She dropped her voice in a poor imitation of Clark, "_That's dangerous, Lois. You could get hurt, Lois. Stop poking the angry crocodile in the eye, Lois._" She shook her head in exasperation. "And those clothes! His suits are so baggy I'd swear he's wearing tights underneath them. No matter how hard I try, when he gets the opportunity to relax and dress casually, he _still_ chooses to wear plaid."

Superman huffed unable to mask his irritation.

"Oh I'm sorry." Lois winced wondering why Superman was so touchy. "Do you… do you like plaid?"

"Plaid?" Superman repeated and considered telling her there was nothing wrong with plaid. His mind began to wander and with a devious grin, he explained, "No Lois, I'd say my favorite color is pink."

"What?" Lois gasped barely above a whisper.

"You know you should wear more pink," Superman continued much to Lois's consternation. He grinned and added, "You'd look like a pink princess."

Those exact words triggered a few memories in Lois's mind. She triumphantly had more material to complain about. "And that's another thing about Clark," Lois exclaimed imagining his wasted brooding youth. "He used to-"

Superman knew they were moments away from her apartment and interrupted her with a line from a movie he had watched just the other day with Lois. "Why don't you stop talking for a while."

"Oh," Lois shut up, clearly confused by this curt new attitude. She looked around and realized they were already back at her apartment terrace. Superman set her down and turned to fly away without another word.

"I'm sorry I ever said you were as bad as Clark," Lois called out in a last desperate apology. Superman didn't even look back. Lois harrumphed quietly to herself, hoping she hadn't just taken out her frustration over being captured by evil Little Old Ladies on the man who saved her life yet again. She thought back to their conversation and couldn't understand his problem. "Someone's on the super-rag."

"Super-hearing!"

"Crap."

**

* * *

**

"Please tell me this is a bad joke," Chloe pleaded with her cousin.

"I wish it were," Lois said with a wince. "I walked in and… I don't think I'm ever going to get those images out of my head."

"But I used to eat those cookies. I liked those cookies."

"I did too," Lois agreed reluctantly. "I never even wondered what the secret ingredient was."

"But… _puppies_! How could they use cute, adorable puppies?"

"Not just puppies," Lois argued. "It's also all the strays that the animal shelter was going have to gas anyway. Might've been breeding them to keep up with supply."

Chloe was remembering the promise of quality on the boxes. "They have those shortbread cookies that the Sweet Little Old Ladies claim are vegan-friendly."

Lois shrugged. "Vegans hate puppies too."

"I don't think they eat them, though," Chloe snapped.

"I'm sure that's exactly what the vegans want you to think," Lois retorted, "whether it's true or not."

"So did your taser fry a Little Old Lady's pacemaker before they overpowered you with change purses and early bird dinner coupons?"

Lois frowned and exhaled loudly. "That vicious granny clocked me in the back of the head with a rolling pin! Probably had puppy blood on it too."

Chloe whimpered though it was more for the puppy than her cousin.

"Next thing I know I'm waking up in Superman's arms," Lois explained.

Chloe sat back listening to her cousin recount her conversation with the Man of Steel and couldn't believe the things Lois had unwittingly said to Clark. Not to mention how callous Superman had been with her. Lois described her last desperate plea, and Chloe just shook her head. "You didn't."

"It wasn't intentional," Lois pleaded. "How was I supposed to know Superman had such a low opinion of Clark?"

Chloe knew Clark had grown past his whiny, woe-is-me lamentations, though he wasn't above a little petty revenge.

"He was _really_ moody to begin with though," Lois pondered. "You think Kryptonian men have menstrual cycles?"

Chloe snorted, wanting to call Clark, but needing to get as much info out of her cousin as possible before she did. "So what are you going to do about it?"

Lois took a deep breath and saw Chloe watching her inquisitively.

"What?" Chloe asked impatiently.

"You can't laugh," Lois snapped and pointed at Chloe.

Chloe grinned liking the sound of that opening. "If you're asking me not to laugh, then I'm pretty sure I'm going to be laughing."

"Fine. I might as well get this over with," Lois said pulling up her shopping bag. "I've decided to give his suggestion a try."

"You're going to stop talking for a while?" Chloe said in surprise. "Nice work, Supes."

"No, not that one," Lois argued as she pulled her new sweater from the shopping bag she carried. "I'm going to try wearing more pink."

Just as Chloe expected, she began laughing. She did her best to cover her mouth as she nearly cackled in glee but she still was attracting a few funny looks.

"Oh stop it," Lois scolded. "I was going to just return that other sweater, but I saw they had the same one in pink and figure I owe it to Superman to give it a try."

"Wait… _return_?" Chloe asked in surprise. "That great sweater you just got last week?"

Lois nodded.

Chloe huffed. "Did you get it two sizes too small like I told you to?"

"Chloe, if I got it two sizes it would have suffocated me. Trust me, the one size too small got the point across," Lois paused and bit her lip. "At least I thought it would."

Chloe couldn't imagine Lois wearing anything remotely tight around her abdomen that would fail to get the point across. "Lois, people pay lots of money for sweater meat half as plump as yours."

"I know," Lois readily agreed sneaking a glance down her shirt. "I really thought I'd give Clark a conniption fit or something. Especially the way that sweater accentuated my… natural beauty."

"He didn't have a fit?" Chloe asked in disbelief.

Lois shook her head in confusion. "I switched into it last Thursday night when we were coming back into the office late to finish up our articles. You know our desks are facing each other. Well, I walk in and he's got his eyes focused right on his computer screen researching something online. I don't know what it was but he never even looked up. You know how he gets, staring off into space, oblivious to the world around him."

"Lois Lane failed to attract Clark Kent's attention?" Chloe repeated doubtfully. "What's next? Mad Dog Lane turning into a pink princess? Oh, wait a second-"

"Hey!" Lois yelped. She leaned forward and whispered dangerously "For both our sakes, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that and reply to your first observation. Clark, fail to notice me? I was _not _going to stand for that. I started to drop pencils that would roll towards him. I kept leaning over, just waiting for him to lift his head and get hypnotized by my enchanting cleavage."

"Yeah? And?"

Lois sighed and admitted, "Never happened. He lent me a pencil, a pencil sharpener, a stapler, and thirty bucks without looking away from his computer screen."

Chloe snorted. "And I'm sure you courteously returned his money?"

"Why do you think I offered to buy lunch?" Lois smirked victoriously.

Chloe rolled her eyes. "So just because he didn't look, you decided you need to return the sweater?"

"Contrary to what you're implying, those are perfectly reasonable grounds for a return, but that wasn't why. And I never said he didn't look."

"Why then?"

"After five minutes where Clark hadn't even so much as glanced my direction, I looked to see if there was something wrong with the juicy fruit. Next thing I know, swear to god," Lois insisted with wide eyes and her arm up. "My tits were on fire."

Chloe bit the inside of her lip uncertain if she could safely burst out laughing. She opened her mouth to ask a fitting question but only ended up coughing into her napkin and laughing. She always got a kick hearing about hormonal Clark's penchant for ocular arson in place of the typical male response. She remembered Clark didn't talk to her for a week after she mocked up the fake front page headline _Death by Accidental Discharge_.

"I'm not making this up," Lois continued louder than polite company would have preferred. She was pointing emphatically towards her chest. "The sweater, right over each boob, burst into flame."

Chloe was still hiding her face in her napkin and asked in between snickers, "Are you okay?"

Lois rolled her eyes, "Yeah, because as soon as I opened my mouth to scream, this frigid wind just came outta nowhere and blew the fire out. Whole sequence was less than a second."

"No lasting damage?" Chloe clarified, getting more and more eager to talk to Clark. And definitely call Pete.

Lois shook her head. "Naw, it was just the top surface of the fabric got gently toasted. It was warm, but didn't burn me. No marks. Not that I wanted to risk wearing the combustible bustier any longer. I managed to hold back my scream and swallowed a gasp. I looked over and saw Clark was still staring at his computer screen completely oblivious. Though I remember he looked really red. Might have just been the reflection of what he was researching."

"I'm sure," Chloe said with a surreptitious grin.

Lois frowned at Chloe for a moment and continued, "Anyways, considering my luck, _this_ was the moment Clark finally looked up."

"Yeah?" Chloe smirked. "And?"

"I was a bit flustered and hadn't really fully processed the scorched chest situation," Lois commented. She winced at the memory, "Did I mention it was a _frigid_ wind?"

"Oh no," Chloe snickered. "Did you at least get Clark to blush?"

Lois huffed in indignation. "He finally notices, and do you know what that dolt said?"

Chloe just shook her head, amazed that Clark had the composure to say anything at all.

"He looks at me worriedly and exclaims, _'Lois! Those look like they hurt!'_"

Chloe laughed as it seemed even the memory made Lois's cheeks rosy.

"I've never been so mortified in my life. It was supposed to make _him_ uncomfortable not me," Lois sighed. "I ran to the bathroom to change, and even after putting on a loose t-shirt, the summits of Mount Lane still could've cut glass. I had to sit there in the bathroom for almost an hour waiting for them to relax. The whole time Clark stood outside the door asking if I was alright. He was so worried."

"I'm sure," Chloe snickered.

"I kept telling him to go away but he wouldn't listen, the stubborn, moronic sweetheart," Lois sighed. "He even offered to get me some ointment, band-aids, or ice. Yeah, _ice_! I swear that man couldn't buy a fifty cent clue with a hundred dollars."


	5. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: I'm sorry to say real life is getting in the way. This is more than likely your last daily update. Work has been busy, actually needing me to work and do what they pay me for rather than giving me time to write. That coupled with a number of holiday obligations means my free time is going to be erratic at best. I will try to update soon but no promises on when.__ Hoping to finish this before the new year is probably too lofty a goal, but I think this little romp will be over pretty soon. I'm not above bribery and reviews make me write faster. They don't help with the real life stuff, but for the writing part, they do help. Thanks for all the comments.  
_

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Lois knew Perry was going to be out of the office for another couple hours. She was also aware that Clark had been talking to the Chief about something but he wasn't giving her any hints. Lois had let curiosity run her life thus far and saw no reason to change that now. She snuck into the Editor-in-Chief's office and closed the blinds on his windows looking out towards the bullpen. She withdrew a hairpin from behind her ear and was working on the lock to the bottom drawer of his desk.

A click signified the release of the lock and she let out a quiet whoop of joy.

"Are you looking for something, Lois?"

Lois slapped a hand over her mouth as she restrained a shriek. She hurriedly spun around, trying not to look guilty. She was about to make up an excuse when she realized it wasn't Clark that had caught her but instead Superman who apparently came in through the window. She snapped her mouth shut with a click knowing how fruitless lying to Superman would be.

She frowned a little and finally retorted, "What are you doing here?"

Superman flashed the grin that melted Lois's heart. "I'm not breaking into my boss's office and snooping around his personal files, if that's what you're asking."

"Me neither," Lois said, standing up straighter.

"Hmm," Superman commented just watching her.

Lois could feel the heat of his eyes on her. "Snooping is such a subjective term."

Superman just chuckled.

Lois was pleased to see he wasn't as upset as last time but persisted, "No really, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Superman explained. "Those Sweet Little Old Ladies really did a number on you."

"I'm fine," Lois assured him waving him off. "I got my story. They got arrested. Probably saved hundreds of puppies."

"Ooh," Superman cooed in a strangely out of character moment. "Glasses!" He grabbed the familiar thick-rimmed pair of glasses off of Perry's desk.

"Clark must have left them in here," Lois commented recognizing the spectacles. "That's odd of him."

Superman tried the glasses on and smiled at Lois. "How do I look? What do you think?"

Lois looked at Superman wearing Clark's glasses. "Huh."

"Do they look good?" Superman inquired. "Do I look more intelligent?"

"It's weird," Lois said with a frown. "You look like a whole different person."

Superman took them off and then put them back on. "I've been thinking about getting some super-goggles."

"Really?" Lois asked. "Why?"

Superman shrugged as he kept taking the glasses off and putting them back on. "Maybe it's time to update my look. Just a thought. Though speaking of updating your look, I can't help but notice you're wearing pink."

Lois crossed her arms to cover her skirt. "Were you peeking? You promised you never would-"

"Lois," Superman interrupted firmly. "Your sweater?"

Lois looked down and realized that she was wearing her new pink sweater. "Oh. Oh right."

Superman laughed as Lois blushed, grateful he'd seen her in a similar one before so he was able to stay far more composed this time around.

"Do you…" Lois softly asked. "Do you like it?"

The hopeful sound of her voice made him feel guilty. He forced himself to smile and answered, "I can honestly say I've never seen you look… bubblier."

Lois was managing to mix a smile and a frown. "Was that a compliment?"

"It's weird," Superman replied, echoing her earlier words with a warm smile. "You look like a whole different person. I'm glad you're doing okay, Lois." He took off out of the office's open window.

Lois walked over to close the window, when she heard the office door open behind her and she knew she was busted.

"Lois?" Clark asked entering the office. "Did I leave my glasses in here?"

Lois turned around and smiled innocently. "They're on the desk."

"Thanks," Clark reached out and grabbed them. He slipped them right on and saw the nervousness in Lois's smile. He made a show of looking around the office and asked. "What are you doing in here, Lois? And why are the blinds drawn?"

Lois shrugged. "Because I didn't want anyone to see me coating your glasses in poison?"

"Really?" Clark said disbelievingly. He took them off and looked at Lois, before putting them back on. "Is that a fact?"

"Fine," Lois conceded. "I was researching a story."

"You mean snooping."

Lois huffed. "Snooping is such a subjective term."

"You said that already," Clark answered knowing very well it had been Superman that she had used those words with before.

Lois furrowed her brow in thought.

"So I've been thinking about getting contacts," Clark segued quickly. He began to repeatedly take his glasses off and put them back on. He turned towards Lois without his glasses. "What do you think? How would I look?"

Lois stopped and just looked at Clark sans the usual eyewear. She shrugged. "You look like a goofball."

Clark huffed. "I remember you calling me a goofball when you saw me in glasses for the first time."

Lois frowned in remembrance. "Yes well you'd just returned from your stripper quest."

"It wasn't a-" Clark stopped himself. "Never mind." He sighed and just put his glasses back on.

"Mr. White?" Peter called out as he knocked on the door. He stuck his head in the office. "Mr. White?"

"Hey Peter," Clark greeted at having been caught in the boss's office.

"Clark, Lois," Peter greeted. "Where's the Chief?"

"He's not here," Lois answered. "What did you need?"

Peter showed her the folder he brought. "Got some shots of Spiderman and Superman. I figured he might want to use them."

Lois took the folder and was flipping through the pictures. "These are amazing. It's like you're right up in the action."

Peter smiled knowingly at Clark. "Thanks."

Lois looked at one of the shots of Spiderman. She pulled it out to look at it closer. She gasped suddenly and snapped her eyes towards Peter. "Oh my god. You're Spiderman."

"What? What?" Peter squeaked while Clark hurriedly shut the office door. "Why would you think that?"

"It's plain as day in this picture," Lois said with a victorious smirk.

Peter grabbed the picture in question and looked at it closer. He saw nothing indicative. "I don't get it."

"Look," Lois said, pointing towards Spiderman's burnt wrist. She saw Peter was making no effort to deny and knew she was right. "Part of his spider-suit's glove has been torn or burnt off."

"Spiderman got a little too close to someone's heat vision, if I recall correctly," Peter said glaring at Clark.

Clark had the decency to look ashamed, making sure Lois didn't notice him.

"Yes, well, however it happened," Lois continued. "You can see a very specific discoloration on your wrist."

Peter showed his bare arms. "I'm clean."

"Maybe now," Lois replied. "But that's a result of chemical residue being exposed to high heat, like heat vision for instance."

"I still don't get how that's me," Peter questioned, not sure why he was still trying to deny it.

"That discoloration doesn't come from normal household chemicals," Lois explained. "To get both of those you'd need very specific chemicals. Two types you'd find if you spent a lot of time in a chemistry lab and a dark room. One is the same developer I know Jimmy uses, so it seems likely that Spiderman is a photographer. But given the blue reaction you need a concentrated amount of a controlled strong base. So either a scientist or a student. And not a whole lot of photographers are working on their post-graduate degrees in science."

Peter sighed and shook his head. "You got all that from one little picture."

"Well, there's also the fact that Peter Parker and Spiderman both seem to have appeared in Metropolis at the same time," Lois admitted. "And you always get the best shots of Spiderman."

"That's amazing," Peter commented, wondering how Lois could be so observant and yet so blind to Clark.

"What can I say?" Lois grinned. "I have nose for these kinds of things."

"You have a nose alright," Peter admitted. He turned to the other man in the room. "I think you may be right about her, Clark."

Clark just stayed silent, unable to believe how easily Lois sussed out the truth about Peter Parker but could be so oblivious to his own plight.

"Oh Clark!" Lois gulped, forgetting he was even in the room. "Peter, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to reveal your secret in front of anyone." She glanced at Clark and saw him staring at her somewhat frustrated. She leaned towards Peter and quietly suggested, "You know you could probably just knock him in the head a little and he'd forget. He used to catch amnesia like a cold growing up."

"Lois!" Clark snapped.

"It's okay, Lois," Peter assured her. "Clark already knew."

"You did?" Lois spun back towards Clark and narrowed her eyes at her partner. "And you didn't tell me?"

Clark smirked victoriously at her. "Actually I did tell you, but Peter hit you in the head and you caught amnesia."

* * *

Clark was mixing up his super-salsa while Peter was on his cell phone, checking in with his better half. 

"MJ, it's a night where I can relax and just be me," Peter explained to his wife. He sat down on the couch as he listened to her worries. "Of course it was really Superman."

Peter rolled his eyes and saw Clark was acting like he wasn't listening in. "Well he was flying in blue tights and nearly broke my hand with an errant punch."

Clark went back to stirring his already stirred salsa.

"No," Peter continued. "I didn't tell him. He figured it out. But I'd figured out his secret identity first."

Peter grinned at Clark and turned back towards his balcony. "Work with him at the newspaper? What are you talking about? Why would you think that?"

Peter was getting a little nervous with the direction of his wife's conversation. "Yes, Lois Lane figured it out too. We already talked about that. Clark? Umm…" Peter paused and looked at Clark helplessly. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure he knows too. What? _What_? Why would you think he's Superman?"

Clark groaned from his kitchen.

"Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," Peter retorted with conviction into the phone. His face fell at her response and he continued. "Just because I refuse to answer doesn't make it automatically true."

Clark's face was in his hands.

"You know I'd never lie to you," Peter assured her, noticing Clark was banging his head on the table. "Well of course that's why I'm refusing to respond. No… I mean… now that's not fair."

"How does this happen to me?" Clark mumbled thinking there may be Kryptonian forces working against him.

"Listen, MJ," Peter interrupted. "We'll talk about this later. But I just wanted you to know that these others know my secret and I may be telling it to a few more tonight."

Clark was beginning to wonder if this was more trouble than it was worth.

"They're all people with secrets like mine," Peter argued. "And Superman trusts them with his secret apparently." Peter groaned at her answer and huffed, "No I don't do everything he tells me to."

Clark was beginning to have second thoughts about ever having a relationship and a secret identity at the same time.

"No, I'm not his sidekick!" Peter snapped in irritation. "I'll be back after my lecture on Monday, okay?" Peter's face softened too and he smiled warmly. "I love you too. Good night, honey."

Peter flipped his cell phone shut and looked up at Clark. "Umm, did you catch any of that?"

Clark nodded in resignation. "I think I got the gist of it. She sounds pretty curious and observant. Investigative reporter, by chance?"

"Nope," Peter answered with a grin. "She's a model and a soap opera star."

Clark was impressed. "Nice job Peter."

"I know," Peter cheered sounding as surprised as Clark. "MJ's great."

Clark looked at his watch and announced, "The guys should be arriving any minute now. You want to see if there's a game on?"

Peter picked up the remote and began flipping through the channels. "So you really don't play for any money?"

Clark smiled. "Money can get confusing, because we're not all on the same pay scale." Clark's X-ray vision caught movement and he walked over to the door opening it just as the first two arrived.

"Welcome," Clark greeted Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen.

"Don't say a word, Clark," Oliver said lifting his hand. "We've got a bet on this."

"Peter," Bruce announced loudly. "You take all those pictures of spider-boy, don't you?"

"Spiderman," Peter corrected.

"Dammit!" Oliver cursed. "That shouldn't count."

Bruce was grinning victoriously. "The terms were quite clear."

"Am I missing something?" Peter asked glancing at Clark.

"Sorry," Bruce apologized and walked forward to shake his hand. "Bruce Wayne, it's a pleasure to meet you, Peter."

"Bruce Wayne of Wayne Enterprises?" Peter repeated curiously.

"And this is Oliver Queen of Queen Industries," Clark introduced. "These are the two main reasons we don't bet money."

"Call me Ollie. Nice to meet you, Peter," Oliver said shaking Peter's hand.

Peter wasn't sure what he expected, but he hadn't planned on playing poker against a couple of young billionaires.

"Although you could've said 'Hello' first," Oliver grumbled before heading off towards the kitchen having smelled the super-salsa.

"Hello," Peter weakly added.

"He's just a sore loser," Bruce grinned as he sat his briefcase down.

"What did you bet?"

"Loser has to hand wash the other's cod piece," Bruce replied.

"We never said _hand_ wash," Oliver snapped from the kitchen area.

"No, I meant what were you betting on?" Peter clarified.

Bruce considered Peter for a moment and admitted, "I bet him that the first word out of your mouth was going to be your secret identity. He didn't think I could do it."

Peter looked at Clark worriedly. "What makes you think I'm Spiderman?"

"I assumed Clark would have told you," Bruce explained. "I wasn't going to come to poker night, without at least running a background check on you. Knowing Peter Parker has a secret identity makes it pretty easy to guess at just who he is when he wears a mask."

Oliver grinned from the kitchen. "And I just hacked into Bruce's private files."

"That's a lie and you know it," Bruce grumbled.

Oliver grinned admitting nothing.

"Let's get this party started," Arthur Curry called out, walking in the door carrying two cases of beer.

"AC," Clark grinned ruefully. "This is Peter. Peter, this is Arthur Curry or AC."

"Who else are we waiting on?" Oliver asked, in between mouthfuls of salsa.

Clark snapped his fingers. "Bart wanted me to call him once you're all here." Clark picked up the phone while Bruce was digging out the specially prepared decks of cards. "Bart? We're starting."

Peter watched Clark hang up the phone and then open the door. "Peter, I'd like you to meet Bart Allen." The moment he finished, a shirtless young man appeared right in the doorway. "Bart, this is Peter."

"Nice to meet you, Peter," Bart grinned and sniffed the air a couple times. "Ollie, you better not be double-dipping the super-salsa."

"Hey Bart?" Clark asked closing the door. "Did you forget something? Like a shirt maybe?"

"I need a patch job," Bart admitted uncaring about his less than professional attire. "So I'm looking for a big pot tonight."

"What happened?"

"I think it was your friend Chloe," Bart mused. "She was in Miami and we had lunch together. I don't know, maybe it wasn't her. But someone cut nipple holes in my suit. It's in my bag."

"How'd you get here so fast?" Peter asked curiously.

Bart just waved and smiled. "I'm the Flash."

Peter had suspected something like that but was shocked Bart was so forward about it.

"Chill," Bart said noticing the surprise on Peter's face. "You know Clark's secret obviously, and no one's going to try to pry the identity of the Flash from you, when you know about the big dumb alien too."

"Thanks," Peter uncertainly answered, lacking a better response.

"Cards are cleaned," Oliver announced after burning the backs of them with a strong acid.

"You clean your cards?" Peter asked curiously as the six men sat down.

"They're made of lead," Clark said with a roll of his eyes.

"We trade off," Bruce explained. "If I bring the lead cards, Ollie brings reagents to clean them. If Ollie brings the cards, then I get to clean them."

"Some people might be tempted to abuse their X-ray vision," Bart said with a knowing smile, "if we didn't use cards specially made of lead."

"You'd think your word might count for something," Clark mumbled.

"It doesn't," Oliver answered. He then proceeded to mumble under his breath imitating Clark in a high-pitched voice, "_Feelings? Me and Lois? Never. Not in a million years. I hate her. She's stubborn, bossy, and rude_."

"Sending tickets, boys," AC announced loudly cutting off Oliver as he began to deal. "Leave your womanly arguments behind. You're new here Peter, but we play dealer's choice. And I'm starting us off with a little deuces wild five card stud, emphasis on the stud." He drawled out the last word with a big smile.

Peter nodded and saw how friendly and comfortable everyone was with each other. He knew how careful he often had to be hiding his own secrets and was looking forward to simply being himself. There was just something in the air though that was bothering him. He whispered to Clark, "Is the homo-erotic tension always this thick?"

Bart was beginning to regret only bringing a nipple-less top.


	6. Chapter Six

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**

They'd only played about four hands when Peter picked up his cards and immediately folded before anyone had even bet. When questioned about it, he admitted to just having a bad feeling about the hand.

Oliver called Peter out for using his spider-sense, a super-power, no matter how inherent and unavoidable it was. Bruce and Oliver got to break out their toys then in an effort to level the playing field as super-powers were no longer off limits. Bart attempted a few quick passes around the table to peek at cards, but Bruce caught him with a tripwire the second time and sent him sprawling.

The occasional emergency popped up that Clark's ears would catch. Clark volunteered to lead on the first call and after Oliver drew the low card, he was Clark's backup. The next emergency Bart was in charge of and Peter was his backup. Next turn was Bruce's and Peter was again his backup. Peter had been surprised to hitch a ride in the Batwing, and on the ride over found out AC was pretty much useless unless there was an emergency in a body of water.

According to Bruce, they decided it wasn't fair to ask AC not to drink on their poker night, but his track record of inebriated hero work was lacking. It only took one time where AC came as backup in the Batwing, and he managed to convince himself hitting a fire hydrant with a bat-grenade was a good idea. Apparently he thought it might help with the downed power lines. Ever since that time, AC got a free pass on the hero work during poker night as long as he did his part to entertain the others.

This was how when break time came a little before midnight, AC was stripped down to a flesh-colored bikini and blindfolded. He had a bottle of beer in one hand, and used his other hand to cover the top and keep it from spilling. Oliver and Bruce were taking the Batwing while Peter and Clark were in charge of kicking off the ride to Crater Lake.

Bart had to work cleanup duty in case anything got dropped. He also had one of Peter's cameras and was documenting the night for the benefit of the others as well as the people of Atlantis.

The Batwing hovered in the sky, while Peter spun together a very thick strong webbing slingshot. Clark was pulling the web-sling tight, holding AC back and in place until the moment he let go, sending the blindfolded nearly naked man rocketing off the balcony and down the street in the direction of the Batwing.

Bruce fired a net that caught AC, who was shrieking womanly and extremely grateful he couldn't see what was happening or how near death he was.

The race was on.

The Batwing zoomed off and hadn't even gone half a block when a blast of heat vision took out the buckle holding the net in place.

AC began to fall to the ground when Peter caught him with webbing and swung him back up into the sky hundreds of feet above them.

The Batwing caught up with AC again, before Clark flew in and stole him from the Batwing's clutches. Clark made sure AC was doing okay, and even held him steady as they flew so AC could take a drink. Something AC was grateful for after screaming his throat dry. AC let out a contented sigh before Clark threw the man high enough in the sky to confuse a young boy looking out his airplane window.

The Batwing caught him again, and the process continued the whole journey to the lake. Peter just had to hold on to Clark and the Batwing through the majority of the countryside. When they arrived, Oliver removed AC's blindfold as the Batwing and others hovered a thousand feet directly over the surface of the water. AC trusted Oliver with his beer, and knew since it was Peter's first time that AC was obliged to do a good old-fashioned terminal velocity belly flop.

The slapping sound AC made as he hit ensured he was excused from hero duties next poker night.

Bruce managed to surprise Oliver by demonstrating his new passenger ejection seat before informing Oliver that he had a new ejection seat installed.

AC realized Oliver flailing about in the water meant AC's beer just got spilled. He spun his arm in a circle and fired a blast of water. Bruce had been flying just off the surface leaving small gentles waves in his wake when the blast flipped the entire Batwing upside-down. It crashed into the water completely soaking Bruce and temporarily shutting down the onboard systems.

As was usual on poker night things just got out of hand after that.

It was an extremely wet group that made it back to Clark's balcony. Clark offered to quick-dry them and Peter mistakenly took him up on the offer. It would be two days later before Peter stopped smelling like salsa.

The others wisely raided Clark's linen closet and toweled themselves dry. Considering the amount of time they all spent in tights and around each other they were all comfortable walking around in their undies while their wet stuff hung to dry.

They started up the poker again, and Bart managed to win an entire new suit design off of Bruce when there was a knock at the door. Clark focused on it and jerked up in surprise. "Anyone know why Lois is here?"

Bruce groaned. "I told her not to come."

"Yeah," Oliver chuckled. "That's the way to make Lois not want to come."

Bart raced around the room gathering up all remnants of costumes or other contraband.

Clark was up and at the door. He opened it just enough to stick his head out, "What's the matter, Lois?"

"Hi Clark," Lois said as she pushed her way in not even noticing his lack of proper attire. "Imagine my surprise when I found out my good friend, the billionaire Bruce Wayne, seems to have a poker game with my far less affluent partner…" Lois' voice trailed off as she spotted the poker table and the five shirtless men in various stages of undress. "Ohhhh… kay."

"I told you not to come," Bruce said scowling at her.

"It's not what it looks like," Oliver said with a grin noticing Lois' eyes glaze over at all the ripped and toned bodies in the room.

"Umm…" Lois was struggling to make sense of the situation. "So it's not strip poker?"

"Well it wasn't until you got here," AC grinned.

"It's after midnight, Lois. What are you doing here?" Clark asked scowling at AC, resisting the urge to burn Aquaman's eyebrows off.

"Am I not allowed to…" Lois trailed off having spun around and only now noticed Clark was as shirtless as the other men. Her eyes traveled over his chest, down his stomach and back up again. Her mind had simply stopped thinking about anything other than permanently cataloging every inch of his skin into a very special part of her mind.

Clark saw Lois was speechless and thought the mere idea of such a thing had been impossible. He glanced over at the other poker players who were equally amused at Lois' stupor and oblivious staring.

"Flex your pecs," Bruce mouthed at Clark.

Clark saw Lois wasn't snapping out of it and began to contract and tighten first his right, then his left pectoral muscles. He'd bounced them back and forth a bit, before slowing down to a gentle rhythm.

Lois' body was swaying with motions like a snake being charmed.

Clark stopped and looked at his partner in worry. "Lois?"

She hadn't blinked yet and didn't seem to even hear him.

"Lois?" Clark said louder. "Lois, you're drooling."

Lois suddenly realized she was being made fun of and snapped her head up to look at Clark. "I am not!" She insisted just as a large dollop of saliva betrayed her and dribbled down her chin.

"Dammit!" Lois swore as she wiped her face off. "Don't give me that look. I had jalapenos with dinner."

"You did, did you?" Bruce asked from his seat with a grin, having come from dinner with Lois before the game.

"Dammit!" Lois swore again having been so quickly caught in a lie. "I had a later din… oh forget it. Actually, what _are_ you all doing here?"

Bart was grinning and ignoring Clark's hand motions. "What does it look like?"

Lois had dated AC, Oliver, and Bruce and they were all smirking dangerously at her. She was also aware that all three of them had secret identities, as did Peter. But she had no idea if they all knew about each others' secrets and she wasn't about to betray those confidences in front of Bart or Clark.

"I told you to stay out of Alfred's planner and you looked anyway. I told you not to come here and yet here you are," Bruce said frowning at Lois. He grinned mischievously and added, "Is this because you want to continue our conversation at lunch? Perhaps Clark might have an opinion?"

Lois' eyes widened and she wisely shut up. "Fine, forget it. But something's going on here. Because the money you bet would bankrupt Clark in a heartbeat."

"Oh we don't bet money," Oliver said happily. "Isn't it obvious? I mean haven't we all seen you naked?"

Lois narrowed her eyes dangerously. She opened her mouth and realized that was true for AC, Oliver, Bruce, and thanks to a few purposeful accidents in the shower, Clark. Of course with Clark there also was that whole chaste little lap-dance situation, and after that was the time Lois tried to make tomato soup and the neighbors had to call the Sheriff. Yes, Lois realized Clark was probably on that list more times than any of her ex-boyfriends.

"Bart," Lois turned to the man furrowing her brow. "You've never…"

"Umm… actually," Bart grinned thinking this was way more fun than the usual poker night. "There was one time when I dropped by the Kent Farm…"

"I've never heard this," Clark said jerking his head up.

Bart shrugged. "I was looking for suggestions on naming a little project I was starting up. I went up into your room Clark and wasn't expecting to find a beautiful woman in there." He finished with a cheeky wink at Lois.

Lois was scratching her head grasping at memories. "I certainly don't remember this."

"Me neither," Clark said giving Bart a scolding stare.

"You wouldn't," Bart shook his head with a grin ignoring Clark. "Before I realized what was happening, you dropped the towel covering you and basically… _flashed_ me." Bart smiled weakly at Lois. "I hightailed it out of there before you noticed me, as I figured it'd just embarrass you. I didn't seek Clark out after that because, well, inspiration hit me for a good name."

Lois frowned a little uneasy while the others were all snickering quietly other than Clark who had gone pale. Lois almost didn't want to know, but asked anyway, "Peter?"

Peter shook his head vigorously. "I've never seen you naked."

"Give it time," Bruce agreed.

"You just met," Oliver added with sheepish smile.

"Didn't stop Bart any," Clark was grumbling into his beer.

"Okay, I want this on record that I am happily married," Peter interjected, "and thinking only thoughts of my wife naked."

"Me too," AC agreed and tilted his beer bottle in salute.

"You?" Lois asked in disbelief. "Got married?"

"No," AC said shaking his head. "But when Peter brought up the idea of his wife naked, it also got me thinking about his wife naked."

"You're a really pal, AC," Peter grinned knowing it was just a joke.

"But is it so hard to imagine me getting married?" AC asked looking at Lois uncertainly.

Lois bit her lip thinking that blurting out yes would be considered rude. She damned Perry for making her take that common courtesy workshop.

"I mean we went together pretty well," AC continued with a small wink at Clark. "Could you never even picture us getting married?"

Lois' eyes widened in terror as she tried to imagine a life with AC.

"Dude," Bart said grinning towards AC and pointing at Lois' horrified expression.

"Bro!" AC called back.

"Dude!"

"Bro?"

"It's not like that," Lois explained trying to think of something that wouldn't sound awful. "I mean even the name. Because you know I'm not dropping my name, so that'd make me Lane-Curry?" Lois shook her head. "No, that sounds like something you'd order. _Excellent choice, sir. Would you like that with the rice pilaf or the lane curry? _No thank you."

Bruce snickered. "The real reason we would never work: Lane-Wayne."

"Lane-Queen doesn't sound that bad," Oliver suggested. "Even you'd have to admit that."

"Oh yes," Lois agreed with an exasperated sigh. "I can just imagine getting to be a Queen. _These are our twin boys Drag and Size, and the youngest, our daughter Drama._ Sorry, Ollie. No child should have to grow up a Queen."

Oliver grumbled about his own misspent youth but stayed silent.

Peter looked confused and leaned towards Clark. "I get drag and drama, but what's a size queen?"

Clark shook his head and whispered back. "I find most slang Lois knows that I don't, I'm better off not knowing."

Bart patted Clark on the back and whispered, "I'll tell you when you're older."

Clark seemed to accept this and nod, while considering the fact that Bart was younger than him.

Lois felt like stirring up some trouble and stated, "Some men get mutated by meteor rocks or radioactive insects. Others need their toys just to keep up. And then some men, well, some men are just born with it. And even some of those look like carrots."

Peter only caught the last half of what Lois said and quietly asked, "Is she still talking about size queens?"

"I don't think so," Clark answered uncertainly.

Oliver sat back and looked at Lois challengingly. "What about Lane-Kent?"

"Lane-Kent?" Lois said glancing at Clark. "Lane-Kent really doesn't sound half bad… the name at least." She smirked at Clark playfully.

"Figures," Oliver grumbled, "considering how much it sounds like you're saying _lying cu-_"

"How about a beer," Clark interrupted loudly, trying to keep the smile off his face. "Anybody need another beer?"

"I'll take one," Lois accepted.

"No," Bruce retorted. "You're not staying."

Clark came back with three chilled bottles. He set them on the table and picked Lois up from his seat, before passing a bottle to Oliver and one to Bart.

"Clark?" Lois looked at him curiously, realizing he hadn't gotten her a beer and she was about to be kicked out. "Are you drinking?"

"Just a few beers," Clark admitted.

"Just a few beers the man says," AC repeated with a grin. "Four bottles and he's as drunk as a skunk. He'll bet anything then."

"Clark?" Lois repeated in disbelief. "Clark can't get drunk."

"Lois," Clark said jerking his head. "I think Bruce is right. It's about time-"

"What do you mean Clark can't get drunk?" Oliver asked leaning forward curiously glancing at Clark's panicked expression.

"Lois, come on," Clark pleaded.

"I mean I don't think he can get drunk. I've seen him chug entire bottles of the really hard stuff. Doesn't even make him blink," Lois admitted, glad to get Clark in a little trouble. "He used to joke it was because of his alien physiology. But yeah, Clark can't get drunk."

"Alright time for you to go," Clark said picking Lois up and carrying her out the door. "It was great seeing you but you're interrupting my little boys' time. So go. Shoo. Bye."

Clark had set her down outside his front door and closed the door leaving her standing in the hallway alone. Clark watched her with X-ray vision and saw she was leaving. He turned back around and saw a few upset faces.

"Alien physiology, huh?" Bart said thinking of the times he'd having fallen victim to some drunken acting skills.

"Can't get drunk, eh?" Oliver added, disappointed that Clark had managed to fool him.

"Man that sucks," AC added as apparently the understanding voice of reason.

Clark was looking for a change of direction in the conversation and asked Bruce. "What did you and Lois talk about at dinner?"

Bruce shook his head and explained. "Some secrets I must keep but suffice it to say, that's the first, and hopefully only, time I've ever uttered the phrase _the Penis of Steel_."

Clark groaned and looked to redirect the conversation again. He recalled Bart's little revelation. "_The Flash_? Really?"

Bart giggled but was cut off by Peter, "Hang on, guys. I think she's coming up the fire escape."

"How do you know?" Oliver asked curiously.

Peter shrugged. "I hit her with a spider-tracer when Clark picked her up. I figured it'd be worth keeping an eye on her whether she's crashing our game here or antagonizing Little Old Ladies."

"Impressive," Oliver admitted. "She usually catches the tracers I've snuck on her."

"It's her alright," Clark sighed after another use of X-ray vision. "Why can't she take a hint?"

"Allow me," AC said as he got up and opened a nearby window. He said loudly, "My beer is warm. I'm pouring it out." He then proceeded to line up the woman sneaking up the fire escape and poured the last third of his beer right on her. "Anyone else, while I'm at the window?"

"Yeah get rid of mine," Oliver grinned tossing AC an unopened bottle. "A bug landed in it."

AC popped the top and proceeded to pour the whole beer out the window. "Peter, yours looks about empty. Want me to pour that backwash out?"

Peter shrugged and passed him the more than half full bottle.

Clark was watching with X-ray vision as Lois was scrambling down the fire escape running from the spilled beer. "Come on guys," Clark pleaded. "Stop it, please."

"You don't think she deserves this for trying to sneak up and crash our game again?" Oliver asked curiously.

"No, it's not that," Clark admitted with a slight blush. "I mean… you're littering."


	7. Chapter Seven

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: Back from my little holiday jaunt across the country__. Only three more chapters after this one. I'm pretty sure. Hope to be able to crank them out in the next few days. Happy New Year.  
_

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

"Fiddlesticks!" Superman cursed noticing the time.

"Ohhh," the young child gasped in surprise. "You said a naughty word!"

"Sorry," Superman noticed the wide-eyed look of surprise on the little girl's face. "I'm just so… so… so upset at all the starving children in Africa."

"Fiddlesticks, Superman, fiddlesticks," the girl agreed thinking about the reason she was forced to eat broccoli.

"Gotta run," Superman grinned wondering just where this undoubtedly intelligent conversation might head. "And remember just because a bear is hibernating doesn't mean it needs more hugs."

Superman took off into the sky, faster than a speeding bullet, primarily because he was late for lunch with Chloe, but also because the good toppings never lasted long on the pizza buffet.

Clark adjusted his tie and glasses and spotted that Chloe wasn't alone for lunch.

"Pete!" Clark greeted in surprise at seeing Pete Ross again so soon. "What are you doing here?"

"Hello, Clark, it's good to see you too," Pete greeted back mocking Clark's lack of manners.

Clark rolled his eyes. "Weren't you the one who lectured me on unnecessary pleasantries?"

Chloe grinned as she and Pete had cleared out all the fresh and hot pepperoni from the buffet moments before Clark's arrival. "Everything alright?"

Clark nodded and snagged a slice of pepperoni off Pete's plate faster than the eye could see. "Yup, just got held up by a kid confusing a grizzly bear with a teddy bear. But seriously, Pete, what brings you to Metropolis?"

Pete was counting the slices on his plate and could have sworn one disappeared. "We decided to take a little family vacation. I promised Mikey that if we started a big fire, he could meet Superman."

Clark huffed. "You can't just-"

"Sheesh Kent," Pete interrupted. "It was a joke. All this subtlety is killing your sense of humor."

"Sorry," Clark admitted bashfully, munching on his stolen slice of pepperoni.

"Honestly," Pete said giving the pizza in Clark's hand a curious look. "When it comes to the hobbies I'm introducing Mikey to, I'm saving arson until he's at least old enough to drive the getaway car."

"That's good parenting right there," Clark said as his X-ray vision picked up on a fresh Italian sausage pizza pie coming out of the oven and headed for the buffet. "I'm going to go get myself some food. Back in a sec."

"He stole a slice of my pepperoni, didn't he?" Pete asked as he watched Clark walk away.

Chloe snuck a slice off Pete's plate when he turned towards Clark and answered, "Two actually."

Pete snapped his head back to his plate. "What? That's so unfair."

"It's unconscionable," Chloe agreed through a mouthful of pepperoni.

Clark came back having scooped up more than half the sausage pizza for himself. He dropped a fresh piece on Pete's plate. "I snagged a slice from you earlier."

"Just one?" Pete looked at him curiously.

"Just the one," Clark nodded honestly and they both noticed Chloe was having trouble swallowing after shoving nearly an entire slice into her mouth.

"Hmm," Pete said noticing Chloe was still chewing and avoiding eye contact.

"So where's Esmerelda and the kids?" Clark asked looking at Pete staring down Chloe.

"They're at the Children's Museum," Pete said. "Esmerelda was quite eager to have lunch with you until she found out Chloe was going to be here."

Clark chuckled. "Oh right. The skanky blonde trollop."

Chloe sighed. "I met her once at your wedding. That's it."

Pete snickered. "Doesn't matter. Though bit of advice for you youngsters. Never, ever, ever tell your significant other about childhood crushes. It rarely ends well."

"She doesn't even know me," Chloe argued.

"Sure she does," Clark agreed. "You're the skanky blonde trollop."

"So tell me oh ancient and wise one," Chloe grinned at Pete. "Any other pearls of wisdom you can bestow upon us so that we may learn from your vast experience?"

"Sure," Pete agreed digging into another slice. "If you find a celebrity attractive, figure out your better half's opinion of the celebrity before ever expressing your own opinion. Trust me. I still can't watch Milla Jovovich movies."

"You're not allowed?" Chloe snickered thinking the skinny Russian was a skanky trollop.

"Oh, I'm _allowed_," Pete retorted. "I just have to endure the peanut gallery constantly pointing out things like, '_She looks like such a man. Look at those man hands. And you'd think she might have grown breasts by now. I just can't understand what you see in her._' It's a freaking zombie action movie, woman."

"Settle down, Pete," Clark grinned. "Though I know what you mean. It's like admitting to any female that you find Jennifer Love Hewitt attractive."

"Exactly!" Pete agreed readily. "Just once you should try mentioning that she looked like Audrey Hepburn in that Hepburn biopic and…" Pete stopped and saw Chloe's expression. "See! Look at Chloe. She's about stab me with her fork."

Chloe was centering her rage and turned to Clark. "So tell us, how are things with Lois?"

"Oh boy," Pete admitted going back to his lunch.

Chloe continued with a straight face. "Set her breasts on fire anytime recently?"

Clark knew it was just a matter of time before that one was coming back at him. He was patting Pete on the back when the man began choking on his food. Clark ruefully grinned, "I'm never going to live that one down, am I?"

"You set her breasts on fire!" Pete yelled loud enough to startle the young boy and his grandparents in the booth behind them.

Clark smiled weakly towards the young boy. "Chicken breasts. She likes them well done. Nothing to see here." He whirled back towards his friends and gave them a look indicating they needed to keep it down.

"Oh yes," Chloe delighted in sharing this story. "Lois told me all about Clark's lack of response to her highly flammable sweater."

"Comparatively, using heat vision physically on her is a bit more subtle than usual," Pete commented. "But defacing a national treasure like the Lane twins shouldn't go unpunished. What did you figure you could just kiss them and make them better?"

Clark's mind drifted into dangerous territory and did his best to not think about Pete's last comment. "It was an accident. She wasn't hurt. At least I don't think she was. And last I saw they were doing just fine."

Chloe was snickering. "And when was the last time you saw?"

"Oh stop it," Clark scolded them both unable to stop thinking about kissing, making better, and the last he saw them. "And who the heck told her to take up jogging anyway?"

Pete laughed at how irritated Clark was. "What happened? Did you fly into a tree?"

Clark wouldn't meet their eyes and tried to keep the color out of his cheeks.

"You did fly into a tree!" Chloe boisterously laughed out loud attracting the young boy in the next booth again.

"Model airplane, remote control, nothing to see here," Clark explained when the young boy looked towards him for an explanation.

"At least you didn't set the tree on fire," Pete said, giving Clark some support.

"I can't help it," Clark argued. "I heard her heart rate increase at like six in the morning. It's not normal for her to be up that early, so I went to make sure she was okay, and what do I discover? Lois Lane. Jogging. In the rain. In a white t-shirt. You add that up and it's not my fault."

"Right," Chloe snickered. "This is like when you kissed her while covering for the Green Arrow. I still remember you storming in and exclaiming, _Chloe, I think Lois is made of red kryptonite_."

Clark saw the little boy staring at him again and tried to defend that last exclamation. Clark opened his mouth and closed it. "I got nothing."

The little boy whispered towards him, "Are you Super-"

"Young man!" Clark said loudly, attracting the attention of his grandparents. "You shouldn't stare at other people while they're trying to eat."

"Darren!" the boy's grandmother scolded, pulling the boy down into his seat facing away from Clark. "Get back down here this instant!"

Pete snickered hearing a quiet muttered, "The real Superman's not a doodybrain tattletale." Pete looked back at Chloe and argued, "I'm the one that had to break the news to him that he was in love with her."

"I'm not that bad," Clark whined feebly.

"Right," Pete chided and explained to Chloe. "You know he didn't even try to deny being in love with her? He just looked flabbergasted and wondered, _why didn't Chloe tell me_?"

"I told you dozens of times," Chloe shook her head at Clark.

"Yeah, but…" Clark paused and admitted. "I didn't think you were being serious then."

"You're such an idiot," Chloe sighed.

"Yup," Pete agreed and nodded at Clark. "Flying into trees doesn't exactly support your counter argument against idiocy either."

Clark grumbled to himself. "I never said I wasn't an idiot, but who knows. Maybe Kryptonians are highly susceptible to hypnosis. I mean I was just listening to her heartbeat and watching her body and muscles move in those graceful and beautiful patterns and rhythms when my head slammed right into a tree trunk, sending leaves and loose branches everywhere."

"Oh dear," Chloe was thinking she wanted to locate partially uprooted trees around Lois' neighborhood for the Scrapbook of Super-Subtle, her latest replacement for the Wall of Weird.

"Even with headphones on, Lois heard the sound. She stopped and turned in my direction so I had to hide up in the tree, hoping she wouldn't spot me. Accidentally knocked a squirrel right off its branch."

"Oh no!" Chloe gasped. "The poor squirrel!"

"I saved the dumb squirrel," Clark grumbled getting irritated at the smile Pete was just beaming at him.

Chloe narrowed her eyes. "Don't insult the squirrel, you over-sized ogre!"

"Stupid suburb rat tried to bite me," Clark continued with a devious little grin. "Deserved the chipped tooth it got."

"So what future exploits and foolproof plans do we have to look forward to?" Pete asked curiously. "Maybe it's time for the boy in blue to wear glasses?"

"I tried that already!" Clark explained with a sigh. "To be honest, I'm not even sure what to do next. This is turning out to be more difficult than I expected. I guess I'm just being _too_ subtle."

Pete and Chloe shared a look of pure amusement and pity.

"Go ahead, laugh," Clark admitted. "It's almost not worth the trouble."

"Yeah right," Pete chuckled trying to imagine a time when Clark wasn't infatuated with Lois.

"I'm serious!" Clark argued. "I'm through with Lois. Chloe, how about it, you and me. What do you say?"

"No," Chloe answered without pause. "It's a cold day in LuthorCorp before I give that train-wreck-in-the-making another thought."

"But you used to have the biggest crush on me!" Clark said fluttering his baby blues at her.

Chloe rolled her eyes. "And you used to have the biggest crush on Lana."

Pete snickered as Clark's face fell into immediate defeat.

"Touché Sullivan, touché," Clark solemnly agreed. "But I still say that might have been invis-"

"There's no such thing as invisible kryptonite!" Chloe snapped back in irritation.

Clark thinned his lips. "And just how are you so certain?"

"He's got a point," Pete said grinning at Chloe. "For all we know it could be invisible-"

"Don't encourage him," Chloe scolded. "He uses that stuff for every bad decision in his life."

"But it _could_ be!" Clark whined as his voice cracked. "I mean do you even remember me and Lana? You really think even at that age I could have been that much of a…"

"Yes I most certainly do," Chloe insisted.

Pete shrugged. "Even I'd admit that Lana, at the right angle, in the right light, with her mouth closed, on a day her complexion isn't too orange-y, can be a hottie. And no one said Kryptonians think with the big heads on their shoulders."

Clark sighed thinking invisible kryptonite made a lot more sense. "Stupid earthlings."

"Hey!" Pete recalled. "You know she does kind of look like an alien. Maybe that's why-"

"Shut up."


	8. Chapter Eight

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: Still not pleased with this chapter but I've been taking too long. Only two more to go to wrap up this little ficlet. Going to try and crank them out as soon as possible. All reviews are greatly appreciated.__  
_

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

Chloe tried not to wince as she felt one of the men sitting at the bar eyeing her up. "Explain to me again why we're here?"

"Because Perry's sending me and Clark to California tomorrow morning, and I can't make lunch," Lois said while pouring Chloe a mug from their pitcher of beer.

"No, that's why you have to cancel," Chloe reiterated making sure her cell phone had reception. "I'm asking why we're _here_."

"I wanted to see you," Lois said with a smirk avoiding the question. "And all the bars you suggested have loud music and dancing and we'd never get a chance to talk."

"Maybe," Chloe admitted, "but at those places you can get at least get an appletini without the scary-looking smelly people stalking you."

"Oi!" Lois leaned over and looked up towards the bar. "Toothless Joe! Watch that lazy eye! You're freaking my cousin out."

"Sorry Lois." The man sitting at the bar turned quickly away, and meekly hunched down.

"Hey Bibbo," Lois called out. "You know how to make an appletini?"

The man behind the bar had been drying some mugs with a towel and asked curiously, "You mean like… shrink it?"

"Never mind," Lois said with a small grin. She turned back to Chloe, "Yeah, I'd probably avoid the fancy drinks for now. And don't be such a snob. The Ace O' Clubs is full of class."

"Lower and working?" Chloe shot back with a smile.

"Look at you," Lois grinned back knowing she was just joking. "From the poverty-stricken corn fields of Smallville all the way to full-fledged bourgeoisie."

"We all must do our part to reassert proper status," Chloe snootily added with her nose in the air. "It separates us from the common beast."

"So that's why Clark beats up the homeless," Lois said in dawning understanding. "It all makes so much sense now."

Chloe chuckled. "Are we talking about Clark already? What happened to the one drink minimum?"

"I'm on my second glass," Lois insisted. "This counts as a substitute lunch not out drinking. And truth be told, I never cared about your opinion that much anyway."

"Right," Chloe nodded. "So? Ready to admit your feelings for him?"

"Do I look like an old lady already?"

Chloe smirked. "Now that you mention it-"

"Stop," Lois interrupted. "That was rhetorical. Check your smart-ass remarks at the door. Us working class people will smack you upside the head for it."

"This is ridiculous Lois," Chloe sighed. "Think of all the sex you're missing out on. If not for yourself or for Clark, then do it for the sex."

Lois seemed to pause and reconsider her stance on the Clark issue.

"Lois?" Chloe saw her cousin was so lost in thought staring into space, she briefly wondered if Lois had super-hearing. "Lois!"

Lois tried to banish a certain shirtless image from her mind. "What!" She snapped angrily at having her daydream disturbed.

"You're drooling," Chloe explained.

"Not again," Lois whined, wiping her face clean. She realized her chin was dry and she'd been had. She looked at a broadly grinning Chloe.

"Not again, eh?" Chloe echoed happily. "You know our deal. Let's hear it."

Lois sighed. Long ago, she realized Chloe was going to be in the middle of Lois' burgeoning feelings for a certain young man, and Chloe's own loyalty to her best friend, that same young man.

Lois still wasn't sure how Chloe had manipulated her but she somehow agreed to be one hundred percent fully honest and forward with all relevant experiences, and in exchange Chloe would never betray any confidence that a best friend like Clark would normally be entitled too. In retrospect, Lois realized Chloe would have done that anyway and still wasn't sure how she got talked into this.

But she was a woman of her word. She sighed and began, "Clark caught me drooling when I crashed his little poker game a few nights ago."

"Really?" Chloe smiled. "And for what reason were you drooling?"

"Would you believe me if I told you it was because of some jalapenos I had with dinner?" Lois questioned, telling herself she wasn't lying, merely pondering a hypothetical situation.

"No, I wouldn't believe you at all," Chloe argued.

"Fine," Lois curtly retorted. "I showed up at Clark's and he was just wearing a pair of pajama pants, flannel of course. No shirt, not even his glasses. And his muscles… were wearing chiseled abs… basted and… delicious…"

"Okay," Chloe interrupted again. "Now you really are drooling."

"Dammit," Lois snapped, wiping her chin.

"I thought you only drooled like that for Kryptonians in tights."

Lois sighed and sipped her drink. "Oh please. Don't act like you haven't fantasized about those soft farm hands and a literal roll in the hay."

"If I remember correctly, the last time that aspect of my impetuous youth came up, your claws extended and you hissed at me."

A low rumbling seemed to resonate from the back of Lois' throat.

"And before you get territorial," Chloe continued. "You have no right at all. You won't even let Clark ask you out despite how obvious his feelings for you are."

"I can't let him ask me out," Lois argued. "Because I don't think I'd be able to say no to him."

"Then say yes!"

"No!" Lois insisted. "I'm way too young for Clark."

"Okay," Chloe said with a roll of her eyes. "I really don't want to know what sort of freaky fetishes you think Clark has."

"That's not what I meant," Lois winced picturing a genre of pornography she'd rather not imagine. "You know our history. I call Martha 'Mom' and I've been a part of the Kent family more than the Lane family for the past few years. He's been one of my best friends, and that's not to mention how much it'd complicate work if I started dating my partner."

"You know that fine line between legitimate excuses and defensive rationalization so you don't risk getting hurt?" Chloe interrupted with a grin. "Yeah, that line's about two miles back in your rearview mirror."

Lois narrowed her eyes but ignored Chloe. "Can you honestly see me and Clark dating _casually_? I already know everything about him."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Chloe interjected.

"Even still," Lois insisted. "If we went out on a date, we'd be practically engaged. You know very well that as soon as I say yes to Clark, it's going to be the end of me."

"The end of you?" Chloe asked skeptically. "He's going to kill you?"

"Don't be so melodramatic, Chloe," Lois snapped paying no attention her cousin's chortle. "Dating Clark would be the end of Lois Lane, unattached individual. I know that Clark and I are more than likely going to end up together eventually. And a few years ago, that was exactly what I wanted."

"So, to summarize," Chloe explained counting her points on her fingers. "You love his family – him included, he's one of your best friends, seeing him shirtless makes you drool, and you've pretty much accepted that you'll be spending the rest of your life with him. That sound about right?"

Lois shrugged and nodded.

"Wow," Chloe commented. "Not only are you an idiot, you're a cruel idiot."

"I know," Lois agreed. "Why does he still like me?"

"I'm not sure there's anything he can do about it," Chloe admitted before going back to something Lois said. "A few years ago, that was exactly what you wanted? Not anymore?"

Lois sighed. "You remember when he saved my life back in Smallville?"

"That doesn't narrow it down very much."

"Pick any time, it doesn't matter," Lois said. "Something about needing his help stopped bothering me, and I started to like it. I hate needing help. Ever. From anybody. But from Clark, it didn't really bother me. I realized I was actually counting on him and well… that was when I started to like him in that way. And then he went and ruined it by running off on his little stripper quest."

"It wasn't a stripper quest," Chloe sighed. "You're taking his words completely out of context."

"He told me before he left that he needed to find his _Destiny_," Lois spat out the last word with clear disgust. "And you're not gonna convince me that someone named _Destiny_ is anything other than a stripper or a two-bit whore."

Chloe knew she couldn't exactly explain the truth to Lois. "That's not quite what-"

"Three years!" Lois snapped loudly. "Three years away from the people that love him, all for some disease-filled festering skank!"

Chloe was rubbing her temples trying to stem the headache that was forming.

"You and Martha never would explain to me why you weren't more upset with him, but that doesn't mean I just forgave him like nothing happened."

"So you're still carrying a grudge?" Chloe asked curiously.

"No," Lois pouted. "No, I'm not carrying a grudge or still angry at him. I was even starting to warm up to him again when I finally met someone who was everything Clark wished he could be."

"Oh brother."

"I know it's not fair to compare anyone to Superman," Lois agreed. "He's practically a God amongst men. Built like Adonis and with a heart more pure than may be humanly possible. I mean I know Clark saved me more than a couple times back in Smallville, but Superman… _Wow_."

"Yeah, yeah," Chloe tiredly said. "You've said it a million times. Every time you fly, your knickers get soaked."

"You're just jealous," Lois admonished, making no effort to disagree. "And I swear, sometimes when I see Superman, I really think I see something in his eyes. I don't know if it's lust or love or what, but that look, I mean… that look reminds me of the same look I see in Clark's eyes."

"Oh brother."

"I know I don't really have a chance with _him_," Lois reluctantly admitted. "But I'm not ready to give up on the possibility. I mean I used to dream about a man in a red cape, years before Superman showed up. And once I start dating Clark, it'll be too late for some Super-loving. I know Clark can wait, but would Superman care? Or be hurt?"

"And that's why it's been years since you even got a piece?" Chloe asked. "You sure your parts are all still working?"

Lois was tempted to make a scene and visually prove Chloe's suggestion wrong, but decided against it. "You know, come to think of it," Lois commented. "I'm not sure Clark's saved me from certain death even once since Superman appeared. You think that might be affecting his ego?"

"So _now_ you're concerned about Clark's feelings?"

Lois sighed. "I never wanted to hurt Clark. Well, not too bad."

"Right. Unless it gets in the way of your Super-lust," Chloe pointed out. She inquired, "Would you give up the chance of a future with Clark for a night with Superman?"

"He's Superman!" Lois answered. "We should all be tending to his needs."

"That's not an answer. And I'm sure Superman would be sufficiently disgusted and horrified by the implication."

"A gal can dream, right?"

"And Clark?"

Lois smirked. "He can dream too, though I don't really think he's Superman's type." Lois paused picturing something she'd never imagined. "Although both of them at the same time… oh my…goodness…"

"Lois," Chloe just imagined Clark's face if he were listening in right now, "would you really throw away a potential lifetime of happiness for one Super night?"

"Fine," Lois admitted with a childish pout. "No, no I wouldn't."

Chloe grinned victoriously. "Then why haven't you gone out with Clark?"

Lois sighed, unable to come up with an excuse. "Shut up."

"You know Clark's not going to wait forever," Chloe stated.

Lois just frowned back.

Chloe figured it was time to aim for the jugular. "I remember another girl who assumed Clark would always love her until the end of time."

"Don't you even…"

"She also took advantage of Clark's feelings by leaving him hanging for a long time."

"Chloe, so help me God, I swear…"

"Of course she had the excuse of acting selfishly because she was young and immature."

"I got no problems hitting family, you know that…"

"I'm trying to remember how _that_ situation worked out…" Chloe tilted her head, looking as if she were lost in memories.

"Alright, that's it!" Lois snapped. She whirled around to face the bar. "Toothless Joe! I want to you leer at her and I want you to picture her naked, you hear me?"

The man at the bar slowly turned to face the two women. He saw the blonde flash the taser in her purse. "I gotta go, Lois," Toothless Joe exclaimed as he jumped up from his seat and ran out of the bar.

"Coward!" Lois yelled out at the sprinting man.

"Hello, Pot? I think Kettle's got a few words for you," Chloe added, earning herself an angry Lane glare.

Lois' angry stare completely shifted into a pleading hopeful look. "Can we be done for now?"

Chloe nodded. "Yeah. I think that's enough."

"_Phew_," Lois exhaled tiredly. "Comparing me to Lana. That was just low."

Chloe shrugged. "I felt a little dirty too."

"This would be so much easier if they both weren't so damn sexy," Lois sighed. "And they both didn't have those looks of admiration, those same brilliant blue eyes, those chiseled bodies, those bad habits of saving my life, the same cheekbones…"

Chloe was just staring at Lois in disbelief as she continued.

"If they both didn't have that same sweet tone of voice, if they both didn't mispronounce the same words, or sing the same wrong lyrics to _Amazing Grace_. If they both didn't have the same ability to make me weak in the knees with those crooked smiles, that same hair you just want to run your fingers through…"

Chloe just shook her head. "And I thought Clark was dense…"

"I know!" Lois insisted. "Wait… huh?"


	9. Chapter Nine

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. 

_**Author's Notes**: Hopefully the last chapter won't take me as long as these last couple have. Just one more to go. All reviews are greatly appreciated.__  
_

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**

"Alright Clark," Lois said after taking the shuttle from the airport to the car rental agency reluctantly empty-handed. "My patience is running thin. The Chief sprung this trip on us at the last minute and made the mistake of leaving it up to me to get the rental car."

"Lois, he already canceled your reservation with the limousine service," Clark argued. "Do you really want to press him on this?"

"He said I had to rent a car, he never said what _kind_ of car," Lois argued. She turned towards the attendant and asked, "Do you have any Ferraris? Or something exorbitantly expensive?"

"We don't carry any Ferraris. And all our vehicles classed at the A-level cost the same," the pimple-faced young man in the suit replied. "Sorry ma'am."

"Ma'am?" Lois snapped, eager to vent more anger. "Do I look that old to you?"

The attendant shook his head fervently and swallowed a whimper.

"Don't answer that," Clark warned the scared young man.

"Yes sir," the attendant readily agreed.

"He's not a _sir_ either!" Lois snapped louder.

"Sorry ma'am," the young man replied instinctively.

Clark rolled his eyes and knew this was a job for super-anger-redirection-man. "Lois, stop scaring the locals. It's not his fault you couldn't pack a bag small enough to carry on the plane."

"If you give me that 'flannel doesn't wrinkle' line again, I swear to all that's good in this world, I'm gonna get a rusty shiv and I'm gonna-"

Clark slapped his hand over Lois' mouth and turned to the rapidly paling man behind the counter. "Do you have a list of available vehicles from your A-level?"

"Certainly, sir," the attendant squeaked and ran into the back office.

Clark looked at the red-faced Lois who was pulling and tugging at Clark's hand. Clark smirked at her. "Licking Lois? Do you have any idea where this hand has been?"

Lois responded with some muffled cries that were no doubt similar to the words she used with the airline employees who lost her luggage in an alleged personal vendetta against Lois.

"Biting now?" Clark said turning towards her as the attendant nervously set a print-out on the counter and scurried back into the safety of the office.

"Mmmphelvugger!" Lois exclaimed breaking free of Clark's grip and grabbing her mouth. "Good god, Smallville. I think I chipped a tooth."

"No doubt weakened by all your sugary coffees," Clark argued deftly avoiding suspicion. "Have you about worked your way through all of your childish anger?"

Lois narrowed her eyes but huffed. "Yes, I have."

Clark grinned at her, wiping his hand on her shoulder.

"But I still have lots of righteous vengeance and well-deserved ire stored up now!"

"You wouldn't be Lois Lane, if you didn't," Clark mumbled and examined the list of available cars. "How about a Hummer?"

"Not without buying me a real expensive dinner first," Lois whipped back, relishing in Clark's unsubtle reaction.

"I meant the car," Clark retorted, grateful for the ribbing that always seemed to improve her mood.

"Oh," Lois mockingly nodded in comprehension. "Well… I don't have self esteem issues, questions about my sexuality, or a fear my penis is too small. What would I want a Hummer for?"

Clark was tempted to turn the tables back on Lois but knew there was a pimple-faced innocent bystander near and avoided the question. He looked over the list again and asked loudly towards the office, "Can we get a Mercedes convertible?"

"Certainly sir," The attendant called from out of sight. "I mean… umm… buddy."

"Thanks chum," Clark called back watching Lois grin deviously. "You enjoy frightening people too much."

Lois shrugged unconcerned. "That's why I have edge."

"Edge?" Clark repeated sharing in her smile. "Do I have edge?"

"Hah!" Lois scoffed so loud you could hear the attendant in the other room flail and whimper. "No Smallville, you're pretty much the opposite. But you do have that farm boy char-" Lois stopped herself before saying something she might regret. She quickly corrected herself and finished, "farm boy naivety."

"You were going to call me _charming_," Clark grinned back at her victoriously.

"No I wasn't," Lois pouted.

"That's so sweet of you, Lois."

"Don't you start with me."

"Not very edgy though."

Lois just narrowed her eyes and stared at Clark.

The attendant cautiously walked back up to the counter and presented them with the paperwork. "I just need you to sign here and you can be on your way."

Lois kept her eyes on Clark, picked up a pen, and signed the document without once glancing towards it.

"It's umm," the man stuttered as he set the keys on the counter. "It's the blue one right out front. Thank you, come again."

"Thanks," Clark said and took the keys. He started to walk towards the door. "Come on, Lois. You can keep your bedroom eyes on me in the car."

Lois grabbed the keys out of his hand and hurried out the door he was holding for her. "Not if you're in the trunk, monkey boy."

"Monkey boy?" Clark repeated tossing his bag into the backseat. "And you shouldn't be driving if you're angry."

Lois gritted her teeth at her inability to come up with a proper new insulting nickname for him. She was lucky she hadn't called him _cow boy_ which was her first farm-inspired crude nickname before she realized how flirtatious that would have sounded. _Horse boy_ conjured images she really needed to avoid and _monkey boy_ was out of her mouth before she could stop it.

"Even if driving angry is edgy," Clark added when Lois growled as she started up the car.

"Where's a rusty shiv when you need one?" Lois grumbled intent on driving as angry as she could.

* * *

"Well, on the plus side," Clark said. "Dropping the reins on your inner Lane seemed to scare him into revealing more than he intended." 

"What can I say?" Lois smiled pleased with herself. "I'm brilliant."

Clark nodded. "That's not quite the word I was thinking of, but it does start with a _B_."

Lois was fighting a smirk and shook her head. "There's something about professionally and financially ruining a bad person that just makes me feel alive."

Clark shook his head. "You just like making them cry."

"I do," Lois admitted readily. "I really do."

"Do we need to do any prep work for our last interview tomorrow morning?"

"Nope, we're ready," Lois answered. "I say we celebrate a successful trip with an expensive dinner on the _Daily Planet's_ tab. What do you say?"

"You're still angry and trying to stick it to our boss?"

"Well," Lois considered. "I'm not still angry, so you're half wrong. Come on. Let's get a steak. I'll even let you name the cow."

"Alright Lois," Clark agreed. "Let's go eat Lois."

The partners only took three steps before the ground beneath them began to shake. Clark pulled her close and positioned them in a doorway, away from glass.

"This is getting ridiculous," Lois snapped as they rode out the weakening aftershocks. "I didn't jinx us by saying anything. I've been much nicer and more amicable and still… every freaking time we're in California, there's an earthquake."

"I'm going to have to take a rain check on dinner," Clark said. "It's getting late, and I should probably turn in."

"What?" Lois snapped staring at Clark. "It's seven. And look around you. No one's barely blinking at another act of god in this godless land."

Clark just yawned and patted his mouth. "Must be delayed jet lag or something."

"Right," Lois said clearly not believing him.

"And I'm feeling a little queasy too," Clark added meekly, straightening his classes. "You go on ahead. Maybe I'll track you down if I'm feeling a little better or get a good nap. Thanks for understanding Lois. Bye."

Lois watched Clark hurry back towards the stairs of their hotel. She briefly wondered if maybe Clark was afraid of earthquakes.

* * *

"Good news, Miss Lane. We've located your bag. It's waiting for you at our service counter." 

"What?" Lois snapped into her cell phone as her head and shoulder held it in place while driving down the road. "I told you to send it back to Metropolis when you found it."

"Not according to your lost luggage claim."

"I think I know what I told you do with my bag, and when that tool on the other end made a smart-ass remark about it not fitting there, I told him that I wanted it sent back to Metropolis."

"Well your claim was processed and your bag is here waiting for you."

"Send it to Metropolis for me then. It's not that complicated."

"We can do that. You'll just need to come on down and file a claim."

"If I come down there, I might as well take my bag. I'm flying out in less than three hours."

"Excellent then. Don't forget to check your bag. It's too large to carry on."

Lois handed her phone to Clark as she took a deep breath, keeping both hands on the wheel. "Clark, hang up my cell phone really angrily please."

Clark saw Lois looked very upset and took the phone from her. "Umm… to whom am I speaking?"

"This is-"

Clark snapped the phone shut and calmly handed it back to Lois.

Lois was fighting a smile while focusing on the road ahead. "Smallville. I didn't think you had it in you."

Clark smiled back. "Not all of my… flying experiences have gone well."

Lois felt all of her anger dissipate at the comfort of having Clark with her. She kept stealing glances at him as he relaxed back in passenger seat with the convertible top down. She knew he was aware she'd been watching him as he kept his eyes closed, while a curious eyebrow curled.

She hated uncomfortable silences, but somewhere along the way the silence with Clark was never uncomfortable. She'd even heard that Superman had been in California helping out after the earthquake and she found herself once again comparing the incomparable.

The rest of the drive was spent enjoying the sun and the wind through their hair as they drove in a convertible with the top down. The calm was interrupted by Clark asking, "Umm Lois?"

"What?"

"You know the airport is the next exit."

"Oh, good eye. I was sort of zoning off there."

"Yeah, I noticed. I only mention it because if the next exit is the airport, then we missed rental agency about four exits back."

"Crap!" Lois cursed looking behind her hopelessly.

"Don't sweat it," Clark said.

"Our flight is in barely an hour. I don't think we're going to make it."

"I'll make you a deal," Clark told her. "Take us to the airport. I'll drop you off and return the car. You can still catch the flight. I'll take a later one. In exchange, you take my laptop and finish up the article."

"Are you sure?" Lois said pulling off at the exit. "I can turn us around and we can both try and make it."

Clark nodded. "I don't know if there are any later flights, and the Chief will want the story tonight. But if you'd rather trust me to write up the article…"

"Fine, fine," Lois agreed to Clark's plan. "I'll write it up and you can return the car. You always leave out the tears when you write."

"Yeah, I know. That's me and my farm boy charm."

"Don't push it, monkey boy." Lois pulled up next to the departing flights section for their airline and hopped out. "You sure you're okay with this?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you'd want me around," Clark smiled and gave Lois a hug goodbye. He cheekily called out, "Don't forget to check your bag. It's too large to carry on."

Lois growled and headed off towards the service counter.

* * *

The flight seemed to take forever. She'd cranked out the article in near record time and found herself horribly bored without Clark's presence. She'd called Chloe to pick her up and met her down at the baggage claim. 

"Did you know Clark's afraid of earthquakes?"

"Clark?" Chloe repeated. "Earthquakes?"

Lois nodded. "Guess it's just another phobia to add to his list."

"You keep a list of Clark's phobias?" Chloe asked with a grin. "And just what is on your list?"

Lois tapped her chin while waiting for the carousel to deliver her bag. "Let's see, there's floods, fires, rockslides, tornadoes, and now earthquakes. You know, come to think of it just about every natural disaster."

"Is he scared or perhaps he just has irritable bowel syndrome?"

"Hostage situations too," Lois said continuing to recall things Clark seemed to be afraid of. "Oh and alien invasions, of course. He's never to be found when those happen."

"Lois," Clark called as he hurried up towards her. "Sorry I'm late. I couldn't remember if I was supposed to pick you up or… oh. Hello Chloe."

"Clark," Chloe said with a nod of her head while she was biting her lip. Clark's white button down shirt was open a little and a bright blue spandex undershirt was visible.

"I guess I wasn't supposed to pick you up," Clark grinned brightly at them both. "My fault. I'll catch up with you guys later." Clark turned and hurried away before Lois could get a word out.

"What… but…" Lois looked at Chloe. "He dropped me off at the airport because he had to return the rental car."

Chloe looked at her cousin innocently. "Are you sure?"

"That doesn't make any sense," Lois stated. "How could he…"

"Forget it, Lois. It's Chinatown." Chloe said gruffly in a deep voice.

"But, I mean…" Lois huffed. "That _really_ doesn't make any sense!"

"What were we talking about before Clark showed up?" Chloe asked trying to remember.

"I was talking aliens and you were talking Clark's bowels," Lois repeated immediately before cocking her head curiously. "Were we really in the same conversation?"

Chloe shrugged. "Maybe Clark has alien bowels."

"What?"

"Never mind."


	10. Chapter Ten

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**

"Stop smiling Smallville. This isn't a date."

"I know."

"No matter what that woman may have implied."

"She merely said she hasn't been on a double date in years," Clark assured her. "You're the one who inferred that to mean _this_ was a double date."

"It's not."

"I know. I'm just picking you up because that's safer for every man, woman, child, and dog near a road than if you were to drive yourself. We're only dressed nice because your secret stash of flannel is still in the wash. We're only going to dinner with another couple because they wanted to see us both. And I only gave you those flowers because they were going to wilt and die in that flower shop."

Lois growled. "Don't think I missed you slipping the word 'another' in front of 'couple' there."

"No Lois, you don't miss much." Clark said with a small grin.

"Darn tootin'," Lois agreed looking forward as they pulled into the restaurant parking lot. "I certainly don't miss hidden smiles or opportunities for revenge."

"Good thing it's not a date then," Clark agreed meekly.

Lois nodded before frowning. "It's not a double date either, you know."

"Relax Lois," Clark calmed her cutting the engine as they got out of the car. "Peter happened to be back in town, so it would only make sense that his wife would want to meet the two people who knew his secret. It affects her life too."

"I know," Lois said. "I just wished she hadn't called it a double date."

"You inferred that."

"She implied that!"

Clark had a feeling Lois would relentlessly argue this all night. "You look beautiful," Clark said offering his arm to escort her.

Lois looked Clark up and down in his suit like a predator sizing up her prey. She calmly replied, "I know."

"Thank you," Clark accepted before processing what she said.

"I didn't compliment you," Lois victoriously announced as they walked to the door.

Clark could hear the smugness of her voice and quietly mumbled, "No need. I know what that lustful look in your eyes and blush in your cheeks meant." He didn't even give Lois a chance to comment before greeting loudly, "Peter, it's good to see you."

Peter reached forward and shook Clark's hand, tempted to squeeze it as hard as he could just to see if he could get a response. "You too, Clark. Lois, you look radiant. Both of you, I would like you to meet my wife, Mary Jane."

"Pictures don't do you justice, Mary Jane," Clark complimented. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"I've been very eager to meet both of you," she greeted before whispering quietly to Peter, "Is Superman flirting with me?"

"Super-hearing, honey," Peter whispered back.

"Crap," Mary Jane said out loud while shaking Lois' hand.

Lois had been surreptitiously glaring at both Clark and the gorgeous redheaded model-turned-actress. She plastered an amused look on her face. "Technically it's pronounced 'Clark,' but that was close enough."

"Oh I'm sorry," Mary Jane apologized. "I didn't mean-"

"It's quite alright," Clark assured her. "Working with Lois, you grow used to randomly shouted expletives."

Lois narrowed her eyes and punched Clark in the shoulder.

"And violence too, of course."

The group of four was seated at a table near the back with a fair amount of privacy.

Mary Jane maintained constant idle conversation trying to get a feel for these two people. She didn't harbor as many doubts about Superman as she did about Lois, but she wasn't comfortable with the idea of _anyone_ knowing Peter's secret identity. Nevertheless, the possibility of a sympathetic friend was very enticing to Mary Jane.

Clark tilted his head, catching the cries of help way off in the distance and stood up suddenly. He glanced at Lois and announced, "If you'll excuse me, I really need to go to the bathroom."

Peter catching on, offered, "Want some company?"

Clark nodded. "Might not be a bad idea."

Peter smiled at his wife encouragingly and turned to Clark. "Alright. Let's go to the bathroom then."

The two men hurried off to the restroom, while Lois just stared at them curiously, glanced over at a weakly smiling Mary Jane, and then saw the men had disappeared around the corner. "I thought only women did that."

"Go to the bathroom?" Mary Jane inquired, since it appeared Lois didn't understand what had just happened.

"Believe it or not, I am aware that men go to the bathroom, but to go together so obviously… are they gossiping about us?"

"They might be trying to give us some time away from them," Mary Jane deflected.

Lois nodded and looked both ways. She earnestly explained, "Yeah, listen. I'll never make a story out of your husband or the secretive side of his life. I'll never betray any confidence. I think what he does… is remarkable. I'm grateful for all the times he and people like him do what they do, and if there ever is any way I can help, I'll gladly do what I can."

Mary Jane heard no trace of sarcasm in Lois' words. "Thank you."

Lois smiled brightly. "And I have no doubt Clark will tell you the same, if he hasn't already, he's a total boy scout. He's probably got a savior complex as bad as Peter and no one will get Peter's secret out of him."

Mary Jane smirked knowing she knew something Lois seemingly didn't. "You like Clark, don't you?"

Lois sat back with an irritated but content smile. "I get that a lot."

"Are you not answering the question because you don't want me to know or because you don't want _you_ to know?"

Lois narrowed her eyes at the challenge. "Of course I like him. He's my partner, best friend, and I've known him for years."

Mary Jane shook her head. "You don't owe me any answers. I was only stating the obvious."

Lois looked left and right. "Would Peter wait in the bathroom with Clark?"

"Excuse me?"

"Would Peter wait for Clark to finish?" Lois asked. "Because Clark's been known to disappear in there for forty-five minutes or more at a time. Usually by that point I stop waiting for him."

Mary Jane was looking at Lois strangely. "Don't you find that… odd?"

"I don't appreciate anyone mocking Clark's digestive difficulties," Lois said a little stiffer and more defensive.

"Hey, I had a co-star who asked me to watch the video of his colonoscopy," Mary Jane argued. "I'm not about mock anyone's digestive difficulties. It's just… Clark seems pretty healthy. And Peter used to give me similar excuses about forgetting to turn the oven off, leaving his wallet at home, or going to bathroom for fifteen or twenty minutes without explanation."

Lois nodded. "Yes, but I think we both know Peter was just trying to cover up his secret identity."

"Uh-huh," Mary Jane nodded waiting for Lois to perhaps make a connection.

Lois just watched Mary Jane wondering what she was waiting on when it came to her. "Oh!"

Mary Jane smiled slightly noticing the moment Lois had finally put two and two together.

"You think that's where Peter is right now?"

Mary Jane just smiled wider neither confirming nor denying anything.

"And Clark's just going to stay in the bathroom to cover for him?"

Mary Jane's smile dropped into confusion.

"But why would Peter need Clark to do that?" Lois asked curiously. "I mean we'd all understand… umm, you would understand, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I'd understand," Mary Jane insisted. "Part of the reason I love him is because he's always doing everything he can to help those who need it most. I know it means giving up husband time for saving the world duties, but that's just who my husband is. Even if I do have to spend my time sitting home alone, scared to death, unable to do anything to help, no one to talk to who understands-"

"Mary Jane," Lois interrupted. "Take a breath."

Mary Jane realized she'd been rambling. She was also pretty confident now in thinking that Lois wasn't just humoring the oblivious bathroom buddies, as she had been secretly hoping. She echoed her earlier words and stated, "You like Superman, don't you?"

Lois found that to be a curious segue but answered without pause. "Of course I do. You pretty much have to be evil to not like Superman."

"I think it helps that he's always gotten good press," Mary Jane commented thinking of the many stories the Daily Bugle ran about her husband. "But that wasn't exactly what I meant. I was saying you like Superman, in a somewhat similar way to how you like Clark."

"Oh good god," Lois muttered to herself.

"You're pretty obvious about it."

"Is that what this is?" Lois said looking critically at Mary Jane. "You're trying to recruit me for some super-wives club?"

Mary Jane was about to indignantly defend herself when she realized that wasn't really that far off the mark. Mary Jane just snapped her mouth shut uncertain how to continue.

Lois sighed and shook her head. "Let me stop you right there. Superman may give me butterflies in my stomach, among other tingling places, but I couldn't do that to Clark. I've had this conversation drilled into my head from my cousin, and I couldn't reasonably commit my life to being some super-sex slave, no matter how… enticing a life it might be."

Mary Jane furrowed her brow at Lois. "Do you really think Superman would want a sex slave?"

"Who in their right mind wouldn't want a sex slave?" Lois retorted.

"Superman, perhaps?" Mary Jane suggested. "Me, my husband, probably most of America…"

"Well fine," Lois admitted. "But he deserves a few of them with everything he's done for the world."

"And you're not volunteering?"

Lois was momentarily speechless, before mustering up all the dignity she could. "If I were convinced it was the right thing to do, I would accept my duty with… pleasure."

"I'm sure," Mary Jane chuckled. "But you couldn't do that to Clark?"

"Be his sex slave?" Lois repeated wondering why she wasn't dismissing the idea outright.

"I meant you wouldn't want to hurt Clark by getting involved with Superman," Mary Jane corrected, more than a little pleased to see Lois drifting off imagining Clark.

"No," Lois said with a shrug, thoroughly surprised at herself. "No, I wouldn't."

"What about getting involved with Clark then?"

"Smallville?" Lois grinned, making sure the men hadn't returned or were hiding around the corner. "To be honest, I wouldn't want to hurt Superman by getting involved with Clark either."

Mary Jane just had to look down at the absurdity of the situation. "God that man is dense."

"Clark?" Lois agreed. "No kidding."

"You really think you'd hurt Superman by dating Clark?"

Lois paused and bit her lip. "I don't know. Sometimes I think it might. Other times I think I'm silly for imagining that Superman cares about me that much."

"He is kinda hunky, isn't he?"

"Superman?" Lois shook her head with a low whistle. "Oh don't get me started me on that."

"He's about Clark's height, right?"

Lois nodded. "Almost exactly, though I guess it's possible he could have lifts in those boots."

"His build?" Mary Jane continued, knowing she was in dangerous territory but having trouble caring at the moment. "Pretty close to Clark's?"

Lois could see where Mary Jane was going but still gave the comparison some consideration. "Superman's muscles I think are a little more defined, probably because they're practically steel. Although when I dropped by Clark's poker game, he looked… firmer than I remembered."

"But about the same, right?"

"Yeah," Lois admitted. "Pretty similar."

"I noticed Clark has bright blue eyes, and dark slightly wavy hair. What's Superman's like?"

Lois scratched her head, forcing herself to compare the two men she kept trying not to. "His hair's just about the identical shade of dark brown that can pass for black. Come to think of it Clark's even been copying Superman's goofy curl in his hair."

"Really?" Mary Jane inquired. "Clark didn't always have that?"

"You know," Lois realized. "You're right. Clark did have that same sort of curl on occasion when he was younger. He just let his hair grow out longer back then."

"Are Superman's eyes blue… like Clark's?"

Lois shook her head fervently. "Goodness no. Well I mean yes they are blue, but Superman's eyes are a deep unnatural cerulean color, almost alien looking."

"Almost?"

"Right," Lois realized belatedly. "They are alien, but still… a gal gets lost in them easy. Clark's eyes are blue too, but not like Superman's."

"Huh," Mary Jane admitted knowing she might be earning herself a special place in hell for this conversation. "You think maybe his glasses affect them?"

"Glasses can't make that much difference," Lois explained as though Mary Jane was a toddler. "They're just frames with a couple of pieces of clear glass."

Mary Jane sighed, resisting the urge to smack Lois. "So Superman is about Clark's height, Clark's build, has the same general hair color, hair style, and eye color. And both seem to like you for some inexplicable reason, right?"

Lois nodded knowing all this.

Mary Jane just stared at Lois, begging her to make the connection.

Lois just stared back and sipped her water.

Mary Jane sighed and tried another avenue. "Have you ever met Clark's parents?"

"Martha's one of my dearest friends, and they're pretty much the parents I always wished I had. I lived with them for a while, taking over Clark's bedroom, and forcing him to sleep on an uncomfortable couch." Lois smiled in remembrance. "Good times."

"Really?" Mary Jane asked in surprise. "Does Clark look more like his mother or his father?"

"Jonathan died several years ago, but Clark doesn't look much like either of them. He was adopted."

"Oh," Mary Jane commented. "So they're not his biological parents?"

"His biological parents died a long time ago too," Lois explained. "But I remember Martha telling me they adopted him right after the first meteor shower."

"That's interesting," Mary Jane commented. "What did he fall from the sky that day or something?"

"Don't be silly. Clark knows a little about his biological parents but he doesn't talk about them that much."

Mary Jane knew in for a penny meant in for a pound. She scratched her chin in thought, "Didn't your big interview article with Superman mention that his entire planet and family were destroyed?"

"Yeah," Lois sighed. "You'd think he'd have more issues with grief, but… I guess that's why he's Superman."

"Coming to Earth from space though," Mary Jane tried to innocently postulate. "You'd think a spaceship landing here would've been noticed, or perhaps brought particulates in its wake on such a journey."

Lois thought she knew where Mary Jane was going, but was giving her the benefit of the doubt for now. "You mean like a meteor shower?"

"Good idea, Lois," Mary Jane grinned. "A meteor shower could easily hide a spaceship landing. And it would also make sense for why there was a meteor shower with the way objects in space can get caught in a ship's wake."

"You think Superman came in a meteor shower?" Lois mused. "I don't know. The only two significant meteor showers in the last half century have both been near Smallville."

"That seems entirely too unlikely to be coincidental."

Lois shook her head knowing only people from Smallville understood how unnatural the town was. "The most recent one was years before Superman ever showed up. It couldn't have been him."

Mary Jane huffed quietly. "What if he was still a child? Maybe he wasn't ready to start being a public superhero yet."

"Superman?" Lois considered carefully. "I just can't see him being a child. You'd notice the little boy in blue tights flying around."

"He doesn't always wear the tights you know. What if he grew up like a normal human?" Mary Jane said trying to hide her irritation. "Maybe some good people adopted him and raised him as their own?"

"That seems a bit hard to believe," Lois said skeptically.

"It's just an idea," Mary Jane insisted angrily. "I mean let's pretend for a second here. Do we know anyone adopted around the time of a meteor shower? Perhaps someone who could physically pass for what Superman looks like now? Height? Build? Hair? Eyes? Ridiculous infatuation with people as thick-skulled as those on his home planet?"

Lois sat back narrowing her eyes at Mary Jane. "Are you honestly trying to tell me you think Clark is Superman?"

* * *

"So what's the emergency?" Spiderman said crouched on Superman's back as he flew Northwest in the cold night sky. 

"Oil tanker hull breach," Superman explained flying faster. "I figured a second pair of hands could help fish survivors out of the muck."

They arrived at the scene of an ecological disaster. Right away Spiderman dropped a web from Superman and started grabbing survivors with carefully aimed blasts from his web-shooters.

"You work on the survivors," Superman stated after pulling the first bunch to safety. "I'll seal the breach."

Spiderman nodded wondering how quickly one could weld if they had super-speed, strength, and heat vision.

It took the pair some work, but they'd managed to rescue all the sailors. The oil was leaking further away from the scene and would likely damage even more wildlife. After a suggestion from Spiderman, they cleared out the area of aquatic life, and Superman blew as much cold air as he could, freezing most of the spill into a giant iceberg.

Together the pair managed to move the bulk of the spilled oil out of the water and away from the scene.

"We should probably get going," Spiderman said to Superman.

Superman saw Spiderman was shivering and used his heat vision to warm him up. "What's the matter? Spider-sense telling you something?"

"No," Spiderman whispered leaning closer to Superman. "I just worry leaving those two alone for too long. Mary Jane will make some excuses to cover for us probably, but… let's just get going."

"It doesn't even take Lois a minute to piss off someone bad enough to kidnap her usually," Superman explained. He tilted his head slightly, "Her heart rate hasn't increased any, so I don't think she's in any danger."

"You're listening to her heartbeat?" Spiderman said stepping back. "Stalk much?"

"Shut up," Superman weakly argued for lack of a better defense. He focused his super-hearing knowing he could pick up Lois' voice just about anywhere especially knowing where to listen. He didn't know Mary Jane's voice that well, but he finally pin-pointed Lois just in time to hear her say "Are you honestly trying to tell me you think Clark is Superman?"

Superman gulped and looked at Spiderman. "Time to go." He grabbed the other superhero in a hug and shot off into the sky echoing a sonic boom as they broke the speed of sound.

* * *

"Yes!" Mary Jane nearly shouted. "Yes, that is exactly what I'm trying to tell you!" 

Lois shook her head. "You're wrong. Clark is so… Clark. And Superman, I mean is… _Superman_. It's just not possible."

"No it really is possible!"

"Nope."

"I'm telling you it is. It really is."

"They're two completely different people. And I know the town of Smallville has had its effect on more than a couple, but these are two _completely_… different people."

The quick flight back dried the superheroes thoroughly and Spiderman was shivering as his insides felt like he'd been stuck in a paint mixer bouncing him back and forth.

Clark spit on a paper towel and quickly cleaned up Peter's face, making sure he was presentable. "Come on. We're late."

Clark dragged a still woozy Peter by hand as he arrived back at the dinner table with an amused Lois and a very red-faced Mary Jane. Peter's wife spotted the two men walking up to the table and paled rapidly. "That wasn't what it sounded like."

"You'd be surprised," Clark said, wondering why he was feeling more relieved than angry right now. "I have pretty good… _hearing_."

"Crap," Mary Jane blurted out remembering how good his hearing was. "Everything okay in the bathroom?"

"I'm a little queasy actually," Peter said, sitting himself down and grabbing a glass of water. It took him three tries before his hand actually found the glass and he gulped it down greedily.

Mary Jane sniffed a couple times and saw Clark looked perfectly composed. She saw Peter finish his water and look for more. "It's okay, honey. You can have my water too."

Lois was looking at Peter a little oddly too and sniffed the air as well. She leaned over towards Clark and sniffed him. "You both smell like wet duck."

"That's what it is," Mary Jane agreed immediately. "I was trying to place it."

Lois felt her cell phone vibrate and saw she'd received a text message. It was from Jimmy Olsen who was informing her: "_Hi L.L. Superman and Spiderman just saved an oil tanker that capsized off the coast of _ _Alaska__. Footage is breaking now. Thought you might want to know. –J.O._"

"I thought you were going to turn that thing off so we could enjoy dinner, Lois," Clark said helping himself to a roll.

"Hang on," Lois said beginning to put the pieces together. She pointed at Peter. "You smell like wet duck."

"Sorry?" Peter said with a weak shrug.

"But you do too," Lois said turning to look at Clark intently.

Clark glanced at Mary Jane who was looking extremely ashamed and Peter who was looking a little green. "Peter let me borrow his after-shave! Just now, in the bathroom." Clark sighed and smiled thinking he'd come up with a better than average explanation.

"No," Lois said shaking her head staring at Clark. Her eyes widened in shock. "You _are_ Superman!"

"What?" Clark eeped in a high voice and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Me? Lois, you can't be serious."

"You are!"

Clark just bit his lip shaking his head. "I'm not-"

"You're not supposed to lie," Lois said angrily.

"You've got me mistaken…" Clark trailed off as he watched Lois' arm come swinging down and her salad fork slammed into the meat of his forearm.

The prongs of the fork couldn't pierce his skin as they went curling off and twisting in all directions, while the weight of Lois' hand continued its swing into his arm.

"Oww!" Lois screeched as her hand slammed down into the mangled bent remains of her salad fork. "God dammit Superman," she cursed as she brought her hurting hand to her mouth. "That really hurt."

Clark looked over and saw Mary Jane keeping her head down but sneaking hopeful glances up at him. He turned to Peter who was just smiling merrily. Clark winced but asked, "Do you mind…?"

Peter nodded. "Not at all. Give us a call later. We're in town for the next four days."

"Come on," Clark said grabbing a hold of an angry Lois with a quickly bruising hand.

With a slight _woosh_ of the air, Peter and Mary Jane were alone at the dinner table. "Check please," Peter called out to the nearest waiter. He looked over at his wife who was looking away in shame. "You told her, didn't you?"

"Yup."

"Of all the people you pick on, the lives you want to meddle with, Superman's life is the one you want to make difficult."

Mary Jane winced but still wouldn't meet his eyes. "Looks that way."

"So now that you've met them. Was I right or _was I right_?"

"My God," Mary Jane nodded in agreement. "She's even _blinder_ than you said. And he's probably as dense as she is!"

"He's not that dense," Peter argued.

"Do you know the only reason she hasn't mounted him repeatedly is because she's afraid if she dates Superman, she'll hurt Clark's feelings and if she dates Clark, she'll hurt Superman's feelings?"

Peter paused unaware of that fact. "Really?"

"And she is getting really horny too," Mary Jane commented thinking of the glazed looks Lois got thinking back to Clark's body. "You remember when Harry's dog was in heat?"

"Oh," Peter said remembering quite clearly. "Okay, you're right. He's just as dense."

* * *

"Huh," Lois said for the tenth time so far. She was holding a small bag of ice against her bruised hand. "It makes so much sense now. I kept wondering why Clark started looking sexier and more attractive. I thought I was just really horny. Turns out it was just your super-powered super-pheromones," Lois admitted feeling a little better about herself. 

"Super-pheromones?"

"Yes, super-pheromones. I've been attracted to guys before but what you've been doing to me is not normal."

"Huh," Clark considered for a second. "You know you might be right. Because you've addled my brain hundreds of times."

"I have?" Lois asked gleefully. Her face fell into one of seriousness and determination. "No one's died because of it, have they?"

"Well," Clark shrugged. "There were those three school buses of children…"

Lois gasped before seeing the grin on Clark's face. "Oh that was horrible. My goodness… _Superman_. With a sense of humor."

"You're not just meeting for the first time, Lois," Clark reminded. "I'm Clark too you know?"

"That's right, Clark!" Lois said with wide eyes. "Wait! So where's the _real_ Clark been hiding while you're pretending to be him?"

Clark looked at Lois oddly. "Huh?"

"No seriously, Superman," Lois insisted with a fearful look on her face. "Where is he? His mother's probably really worried about him."

"Are you kidding?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I'm…" Lois gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh no. Is he dead? Tell me he's not dead."

"No," Clark said shaking his head. "_I'm_ Clark Kent."

"No, _you're_ Superman."

"How long do you think I've been Clark Kent?"

"Has it been that long?" Lois whimpered. "Oh, I know! Superman wasn't in Metropolis until Clark came back from his stripper quest. It was _you_ who came back!"

Clark shut his eyes and shook his head in frustration.

"Did that stripper kill him?" Lois snarled possessively, just before her face dropped into worry again. "Did he at least find her? His _Destiny_?"

"There was no stripper! How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Wait so how long _have_ you been pretending to be Clark Kent?"

Clark rolled his eyes and gave Lois an exasperated look. "Ever since my parents adopted me."

Lois sucked in a breath in surprise. "Really?"

Clark nodded.

"So what happened to Clark before then?"

"There is no other Clark! I am Clark! I'm the only Clark there's ever been."

"But _you're_ Superman."

"Lois, you know I only became Superman when I got back. I've been Clark Kent for a couple decades more than I've been Superman."

"Hang on… so you're saying the dorky high school kid I knew back in Smallville was an alien from Krypton with super powers?"

Clark smiled brightly, glad she was catching on. "Yes. That was me."

"Does… does Martha know?"

Clark sighed.

"Oh no! I think Chloe knows! What are we going to do? How can we explain this…"

"Lois, Chloe's known for years."

"She what?"

"She's known since high school."

"How is that possible?" Lois said furrowing her brow. "You said yourself Superman wasn't around until you came back."

"Lois you created Superman," Clark argued. "I've been an alien with super-powers my whole life on this planet. I saved you and Chloe and lots of people for years, before I started wearing tights and you came up with a name for me."

Lois' eyes widened. "So you told Chloe but never me?"

"Well I didn't exactly _tell_-"

"Pete knows!" Lois gasped in realization.

"Well, Pete found my old spaceship way back before I met you. That's why he moved away in fact."

"Not that Pete," Lois insisted before realizing that one knew too. "My god. Does everyone know but me?"

"No!" Clark said immediately. "Hardly anyone knows. Pete and Chloe both kinda found out and have always helped me to keep it a secret."

"They've been a part of your lies!"

"It's not that I've been _lying_ to you…"

"They're your alibis!"

"People are in danger if they know!"

"Does Oliver know?"

Clark paused and knew he was in trouble.

Lois growled. "Bart? AC? Oh god… does Bruce know?"

Clark winced and explained, "Those guys are completely different circumstances."

"Bruce… Bruce doesn't talk to you, does he? About me?"

Clark wasn't sure what possessed him to answer, but total honesty seemed like his best hope. "He did mention something about a penis of st-"

"Oh god," Lois said feeling dizzy. She steadied herself and looked over at Clark. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Clark opened his mouth but was interrupted by Lois poking him hard in the chest. "I understand why you wouldn't when we first met but we've been best friends for years. I saved your heinie dozens of times."

Clark snapped his mouth shut, before opening his mouth again and getting interrupted once more. She snapped, "And if you feed me some crap line about protecting me, I will kick your ass."

Clark just opened his mouth and waited for Lois to speak up again. When it appeared she wasn't going to, Clark softly answered, "Honestly? I was scared how you'd react."

"What?" Lois yelped. "How well do you need to get to know me? Did you honestly think I might stop liking you?"

Clark sighed. "I don't know. Maybe?"

"You have got to be the stupidest person in the galaxy!"

"Okay I didn't think you'd care that much, but you _could_ have and that would-"

"No I couldn't have," Lois said shaking her head with a sad smile. "You know what you mean to me. Even you aren't _that_ dense."

"Yes I am," Clark argued. "And it's your fault. I can't think straight when it comes to you. Nothing makes sense but the thought of losing you is the most terrifying thing I can think of."

"God you're an idiot," Lois sighed and threw herself at him, kissing him for all he was worth.

Clark grabbed a hold of her and kissed her back, unaware they were floating on air.

Until they smacked into the ceiling.

"Dammit!" Lois cursed shaking her head back and forth. "I think you got plaster in my eye."

"Well why'd you open your eyes when we were kissing?"

"I only opened them when I felt the ceiling falling on us," Lois said spitting out flecks of debris that got into her mouth.

"Sorry," Clark admitted as he gently landed them both back on the ground. "But I told you, you addle my brain."

"Chloe thinks I'm just in love with you," Lois explained. "But seriously, you've got to have some super-pheromones that are geared towards me."

"Tell you what," Clark said raising a curious eyebrow. "I'll admit to the super-pheromones, if you admit that you might have invisible kryptonite on you."

"It does make sense," Lois agreed. "More so than just love at least. Super-pheromones and invisible kryptonite."

"It's another way of saying we were made for each other." Clark grabbed a hold of Lois and held her tighter as they settled comfortably in each other's embrace on the couch. "Maybe it's fate. Or destiny."

Lois nestled into his arms tighter. "You and me? Yeah, you're probably right. It _is_ density."

Clark jerked his head up. "That's not what I-"

"Shut up."

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

_**Author's Notes**: This has been a fun little ride. I hope you all enjoyed it and leave me a review saying what you liked, disliked, laughed at, could do without, or simply that it was fun to read. Thanks for all the reviews. GO COLTS!_

**Lois and Clark: It's Density.**


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